Child with a Toy Steering Wheel Analogy of Life

I seem to frequently encounter a situation where there is enormous resistance, unwillingness, aversion, repulsion, disgust but yet a force keeps pushing me hard towards that very object. Its as if my struggling against movement towards the object makes no difference. Like a wind pushing me irrespective of my struggle against it.

Like a child trying hard with his toy steering wheel to not go to a place, but the adult nevertheless steers the car there. Then the child is very fearful, that he might never leave this uncomfortable place, then mysteriously the adult drives away and relieves the child of this horrible experience only for it to repeat again after sometime.

Is it something to do with control? Do we really have no control? If that is the case, then how is the illusion of control so pervasive everywhere? Do people not see the absence of control OR Are they completely deceived in some way? How did I skip getting deceived like that? Am the the only one seeing this form of reality?

Its like the game between dark matter and gravity. One expands and one contracts, yet they exist in a play and sometimes one is stronger, sometimes the other is.

Sometimes, there is an attractive object that I pass by, like a child with his toy steering wheel in a real car passes by. The adult keeps going and does not stop, so the sight becomes a fleeting pleasure and also causes high desire but its unfulfilled when the adult drives away and it therefore causes pain.

Sometimes there is a repulsive object that the child spots but the adult continues to drive straight, so that again becomes a fleeting negative experience for the child. At times, the car goes to a repulsive object (for the child) and stops the car close to it. This causes the child to get depressed because the toy steering wheel is seen to be useless and he cannot get out of there no matter how hard he tries. At other times, the car stops in front of an attractive object, so there is constant pleasure in the child's experience. Now again when the adult takes off, the joy fades away and there is sadness/pain of loss. At times, the adult gives the child the illusion of control, he steers the car perfectly contingent to the child's toy wheel movements which convinces the child that he is driving the car.

In this analogy, the WIND force or the Adult here is God, the Universal, brahman, ultimate reality.

The child is the self/ego/identity which believes he/she is controlling destiny or that his/her desires are really real/concrete/unchanging/solid/substantial/having essence. But the reality of it is that, the adult can very easily change the whole relationship and completely dispel this illusion.

Even if I do not have control even ONCE or a SINGLE MOMENT in my life, it proves to me that control is only an APPEARANCE. Because if it was not an appearance, firstly, you would possess control all the time and non-control is impossible. Absolute truth cannot FAIL even once. Even 1 failure indicates, your model is wrong and you need to re-examine. Secondly, by the law of duality, Control even exists in experience because at sometime in your life, you have had the experience of non-control.

So technically if I extrapolate, all of perception has to be an APPEARANCE, because I can only perceive something if I experienced its opposite which means, the 'Thing/Object' I perceived has to be an insubstantial/Unreal Appearance.

The only real will, is the DIVINE will, we having willpower/control is an illusion/one of the possibilities of the divine will itself. There is no Doer in the conventional sense. The only Doer is the Divine itself (which cannot even be made or spoken of as an object).

Insight - Oct 18, 2014

Everything is changing and the in-substantiality of everything is what makes it akin to a dream, just like a dream at night is. I seemed to have transcended emotions and thinking, and I can realize that I am trying to hold on to life in my mind by thinking, verbalizing, but its all dead in a way. The alive is the moving/changing dimension. I'm recording the words, but the music has already left. Only bare words are left thereafter. Me holding on to the dead, is why I am getting depressed from deadness. I am controlling myself in pursuit of some ideal image I have been building up in my mental space. But no mental image is me, I am simply restricting myself to my mental image and believing that is the true me. 

Even emotions cannot be captured by words. Induction of emotions is possible but it involves a movement away from whats happening effortlessly. Even your ability to induce emotions may or may not be there at different times. And even if I do try to induce emotions and if I'm not particularly like the emotions that are capturing me at the moment, even that can be transcended and seen through. Everything is me, the effortless dream happens on transcending all contents and the resultant understanding from that. Even my efforts and reasons for capturing everything in words is seen through. The 'seeing' takes a quantum leap and reaches all-encompassing levels. 

Why should I try to attain anything, if I am what's here and if I am also my attainments? I am all my potentials. The current reality is as good as a potential as any other. There is no reason to attain any other state, because all states are me. I have never left myself anywhere. I am always myself like how I am always dreaming in a lucid dream no matter whats happening in the dream or who I am in the dream. I do not have to be anything else to find myself. I am already here. Everything might be as it is, or might not, I might life with the same pattern, conditioning, with all processes untouched, but with a peace that passes my understanding. There is really nothing to say, to get this across directly. I can come up with something like 'I am THAT all encompassing reality'. 

The world is a dream inside me. There is also an appearance of a shared world with the appearance of other characters similar to me. There is infinity in my relationships to these people and my relationship to the direct physical world itself. Also my own imagination. I am not in the world, the world is inside me. This is the part where it gets beyond conventional logic. 

If the world is inside me, even its rules are part of my dream. I'm playing a character of defiance and rebellion against the world presented. But I am that rebellion too. I am the world and its rules too. I am all of the people in the world. No matter what I choose, or become in this world, I will still be me, I would never have left myself. Why should I be afraid of my own potentials and stay in a depression because of that? 

I am able to see how a fear is quickly holding me in, as my imagination tries to open up any possibility. I can see how my attachments are holding me back from exploring any different dimensions and possibilities. I can see how my need for control, security is clamping on me and preventing me from even feeling much. But no matter what, from the transcendent seeing dimension, all is ME, all is perfect, all is UNION, I am all of THAT. This UNION is beyond even choosing to choose.  Choice happens inside of ME. I am not 'choice'. Everything happens inside of me. 

Its exactly like a lucid dream, but in a lucid dream, I realize I am 'my waking identity'. But in this lucid life I could call it, your identity is simply transcendent/beyond everything/everything is only one of your potentials among infinite. I could say 'The born and Infinite unborn potential' OR just say 'Beyond'. 

Letting go

I need to give attention to a thing to let go of a thing. The way to let go of something is to fully accept it. The paradox is that: Complete acceptance is a necessary condition for change. You cannot let go of something, by not giving it attention - then that becomes dissociation, avoidance, suppression and anyways, whatever you do not let go of stays/remains with you continuously.

There is letting go of a thing
There is letting of 'letting go of a thing' and 'not letting go of a thing'
There is letting of (letting go) or (not letting go) the practice of letting of itself.
There is letting go of the frustration due to the inability to let go of the practice of not letting go.
There is letting go of both control and non-control

Letting go of holding on to anything:
I am so drawn to the understandings, learnings, insights of the spiritual, metaphysical, at the heights of the mind's capability to understand. I have also had tremendous success with this, i.e. exploring the meta-meta-meta^n levels of things. But then I cannot seem to hold on and be anything. If I do, then I distinctly feel like I am resisting against where the natural current is taking me. As my interests naturally arise and pass, my abilities, knowledge, understandings also arise and pass. 

Everything can be lost and similarly everything can be gained. Everything fades. and is replaced with a new creation. Destruction is needed for creation to happen. Destruction of the 'Void', is needed for 'Something' to be created. Its my constant holding on to those insights, that is creating resistance against the natural flow. I am holding on to my creation and thereby resisting change.

Its as if everything moves, the energy and interest behind things keep shifting, but mentally since my belief is that I must do those things, I keep doing things even though they give me no satisfaction because they are dead in a way (dead like memories, thoughts, beliefs..other accumulations). Even the grandest of things arise and pass away. The worst chaotic experiences too arise and pass away. It is not possible to hold on to anything in the 5-D screen of consciousness because doing so is resistance of the universal movement of change, the dance of life. More the resistance = more the suffering. Its as if life is like the wind that moves, anything I do against the wind is resistance.   

As days pass by, the more I realize my true essence is nothing. 

Its not just hatred, guilt, fear, pain that is to be surrendered to god/ocean of void/infinite, but it is everything including the positive ones like love, joy, bliss, wellbeing, pleasure. Letting go has to be experiential at every moment, every perceivable vibration is to be let go of. Even my mental models are to be let go of at every moment. Every insight, every thought, every mental image, every sensation is to be let go of. Simply abide in complete relaxation. 

My writing as passing music with words

My writing is the expression of the music of my thought. Once the music has passed, I only have the words but not the music that created the words. This is true even with memories. Sometimes I remember the images, but not the full feelings associated. Someone reading this material, who has searched for this, will get the music from my words.

Analogy: Distance Blindness for far away objects

Distance blindness is that depth perception is lost for far away objects. For example when you are on a train, the mountain and the sky look like they are on the same plane, but in reality the sky is much farther away. 

If we take stars, for a person on the ground, both alpha centauri and sirius both look like dots and in the same plane in their vision. But once you move to get to alpha centauri, then you realize how far away sirius is, again sirius looks like a dot from there. 

This is how I feel we evolve through life. As a child we dream of buying a room full of toys, but later that imagination itself evolves. What is a dot at a distance is attained, and again everything else looks like a far away dot from that point of view.

This is what I feel when my friend wants to move from LSD to DMT. In my imagination they both are the same. But since he has seen LSD, now DMT has become the dot at a distance. Since I've done neither, both of them look like star dots from my point of view.

Transformation from projective illusions, external world game, meaning

All the projections potentials are already there in our hands. The external world is just a symbolic forms on which we project. But the external world is entirely empty without our projections.We imbue all the symbols with magic. In fact even symbolism is my creation. Everything is my creation. Nothing exists apart from my projections.

The symbols are constantly changing but our projections are the same. In my quest to find a worthy object for my projections, I have discovered all objects are unworthy. Its only the illusion that is going to end because once I see there is nowhere to go, no real purpose, nothing to attain, then I transcend those beliefs which have tried very hard to find validation. Now, the desert will transform itself to projective freedom with the knowing that I am THAT.

The external world, earth is a particular video/experience game of consciousness. What is solid about a think which appears only when I look at it? If I close my eyes its gone. So is it that, I only experience what I want to experience? If the physical objects contain nothing inherently but just a slate for laying out my own projections, then 100% of experience is within me and only projected to external forms.  

Synthesis of imagination is what converts the chaotic pattern on the screen into meaning. Creating meaning is about exuding your inner projections on objects. Meaning does not reside in external objects. No object has any meaning. We impart meaning to objects. Exactly like how random swirling colors become a moving fractal with elements showing the principles of art - harmony, variety, movement, balance, proportion, pattern. These qualities run in spectrums too and life moves the spectrum analyzer of even these qualities.
 

Thoughts - Absolute truth, 100% change as 0 essence, external reality, control

We work with the representations most of the time and not the actual thing.
Let go of being open and let go of being closed.
We are trying to study and quantify an ever changing universe. But this attempt/paradigm to quantify itself is one among infinite paradigms.

The absolute truth is nothingness/nothing. So the potential in absolute terms is infinite. If there is no absolute truth, then everything we are witnessing is only a play among infinite possibilities. Even my capacity for understanding and its potential is part of the play. So it is impossible to understand the absolute truth or get there using thought or a particular questioning method. There are no answers, because an answer implies there is a question. The absolute truth is infinite and therefore nothing. All the things are only appearances in the absolute truth. Every experience is real as an appearance but absolutely its one among infinite potentials. So thats where you can let go of all appearances. There is only direct experience. Everything else is a holding on of some sort. The question of what should you do? You can do anything, it makes no difference ultimately. Absolutely there is no time and space even. So all this is a play/game and no thing is THE THING. The real thing is No-thing and it is not even a thing. A thing is an appearance inside it. That it, is not even an object. It just is and has no qualities since qualities appear as a form of it. To speak about it in language, I have to use the word 'it', but actually it is beyond/transcendent of everything and is the substance of everything that appears to me now.

The physical world can be studied forever, but its only one of the possibilities of the infinite. What difference does it make, whether I study the physical world or my mental imagination potentials. They are basically the same thing, a particular kind of movie.

There is a truth that is imposed on me called the external world which is basically expectations - body, social, physical laws. Not able to consistently meet expectations or exceed, results in anxiety, fear of punishment, further denial, getting indebted, getting attacked, marginalized, ostracized. Creates fear of survival. But what has to survive? This Frame? This mind? This state? This experience flavor? What difference does it make if the absolute truth is nothingness.

The only thing that needs to be observed is a 100% change. If an object changes from state A to state B, 100%, and if this change is observed, then irrespective of how often this magnitude of change occurs in time, the object has already proved that its essence is nothing. 100% change = proves 0 essence. What is essential does not change. What is essential/essence by definition = unchanging. If nothing is unchanging and if everything is changing whether now, later or when in time does not matter. If memory is strong enough and expansive enough to witness a 100% change in all of awareness, then the non-essence of all content is instantly proved. The 'find out: who are you?' question is meant to take you to the realization of non-essence, which happens when observation refines itself enough and sees clearly that 100% of change can happen. 

The external world is an appearance in consciousness and not a true reality because: Ask the question, where is the external reality appearing - Ans: In the screen of consciousness. If I close my eyes, the external reality disappears immediately from input. Which means, in the screen of consciousness, the external reality has disappeared. If I open my eyes again, again it appears. 

External reality itself in fact is a concept in the mind based on sense memory and conceptualization. Even that is an appearance in the screen of consciousness which can disappear as easily when you do the exercise of imagining green color filling your mind space where you see nothing but green in your mind's eye. When you do this exercise, if you do it properly and completely, during the seconds you filled green color into your mind's eye, even the concept of external reality disappeared.

A persistent appearance (external reality) does not imply its real. Its still only an appearance as einstein said "Reality is an illusion, a persistent illusion".

The best analogy would be, to think the external reality is real, is like saying, a character that appears on the movie screen is real. Only the screen is real, not its contents. So maybe our real nature is like a dreaming organism, which can create this dream that we are in right now. In which case, you are not really looking at plastic, metal, another human being, a plant, a life-form, a rock and so forth. What you are REALLY looking at is particular forms of consciousness/knowing.

Control at the base level is about controlling experience. Not controlling other people, not controlling animals, machines and so forth. Real control is control of experience. This is because controlling people is also control of a certain part of experience but it is paltry in front of real control of all of experience itself. People who control other people are like blind men. They cannot see their own projections is what are controlling them, when the more intelligent thing they could do is control their projections directly instead. It is extremely inefficient to control other people. It just makes life unnecessarily harder.

About Enlightenment

Enlightenment is not ecstasy. It is not knowing everything there is to know. It is not becoming a world leader. It is not becoming a savior of 1000s of people. Neither is it service to anyone or any group. Externally there is literally no difference between an enlightened person and non-enlightened. The one who knows himself is enlightened, the one who does not is not. Its like a marigold that knows its a marigold is enlightened. A marigold which thinks its a rose is not.

Enlightenment is the satisfaction of the ultimate deepest knowing. Experiences come and go, but the understanding stays. Sometimes the understanding leaves, but then there is another understanding that stays behind it. This happens all the way until emptiness.

Fear is only of the known

Fear is only of the possibilities you have already seen. Fear is only of the known. It is for a repeating of a possibility in your memory and proportional to how long it lasts. Fear arises when the input interpretation predicts/expects an unpleasant possibility. 

When all that the input interpretation engine comes up with is outputting unpleasant, scary, horrible possibilities - that leads straight to depression.

But if nature is infinity possibility, there must be a way to move out of the hell realms into one of the earth or heaven realms. My fear is mainly getting stuck in some possibility. Now why do I get stuck? Because the possibility manifests with no energy/will/freedom to get out of it. Its like putting a dog in a cage, it cannot free itself by itself. 

About Bliss, Beauty, Love, Wonder

Transcendent understanding brings the transcendent qualities of bliss, beauty, love, wonder:
- Bliss is to see this total interdependence and the inherent emptiness/shunyata of all manifest/appearances.
- Beauty is fully inhabiting 'What is' with psychic sensitivity and no distortions, concepts.
- 'Transcendent understanding' brings about 'Transcendent love'. Understanding = Love.
- Wonder is to transcend memory and see things as anew. Seeing the world without the filters of memory, with the fullness of the present. It is when thought does not filter/influence the perception of the present and is rather seen as part of the present (Thought = Memory)

Experience of Depression

Decay, frozenness, barrenness, flatness, dullness, decrepit, large swathes of stagnancy, lot of inaccessible areas, chaos, confusion, dread (because of momentum in the direction of movement), effort/suffering, hopelessness (because of direction of energy movement), descending into a black hole, fear that it would stay forever (because of the long term nature of it), losing more and more energy, despair (severe dearth of energy to do anything about it), surviving based on little windows of good emotions/connections, bleakness, very poor executive function, getting overwhelmed by chaotic unpleasant forces, burden of expectations, dark skies blocking most of the light, fog everywhere and obscured environment with lots of black holes and stagnancy, spiraling troubles as more and more people react to me with either neglect, condemnation, abuse, disgust, anger, hatred, rejection, misunderstanding and all kinds of negative emotions, making me lose faith in everything because everything is turning against me, body pain, fatigue, listlessness, loss of all kinds of mental faculties, loss of intelligence, vigor, vitality. The world becomes a scary place triggering all kinds of unpleasant possibilities and suffering and a it would take a great struggle to get out of them and may or may not get out - uncertainty. This caused me to stay alone, stop interacting, stop participating in anything, causing a brain starved of stimulation and therefore decaying more and more, total inability to assert myself, numb and and very vaguely aware of my own needs.

What is needed: 
Attention, Help, Support, Concern, Acceptance, Care, Love, Patience, Knowledge, Understanding, Nurture.

Thoughts/Insight - Oct 4

All perception needs its opposite, there is total interdependence:
There is the perception of infinite in the perception of the finite.
There is the perception of finite in the perception of the infinite.

There is no ultimate winning. Winning is simply a game.
There is the perception of losing in the perception of winning.
There is the perception of winning in the perception of losing.

The way to reach the root is to start from 'What are you currently perceiving with absolute honesty". 
And the see that in order for you to perceive that, all the opposites are also perceived.
Like If you are perceiving qualities 4, 7, 9, 100, 30, 50
In order to perceive those you are also simultaneously holding the following perceptions in the background; -4, -7, -9, -100, -30, -50.
The end result when you see the entire picture is '0', shunyata, emptiness and there is just the grand space in which all manifestation occurs.
What causes the movement and change in the manifest is You. 
You are change itself. You are time itself, not in time.

There is only the space of 'What Is' in constant change/movement/modulation.
The experience of beauty is when you get into the space of 'What is' and see with a certain depth of openness/sensitivity of psyche. 
'What is' when seen fully with no distortion, no concepts, is beautiful. This transcendent beauty is available always.

I precisely understood my fear:
- I look at duality only for negative experiences. Like I'm in a gray island looking at a colorful island on the other end of the horizon.
- I am afraid to look at the duality from the side of positive experiences. If I am in the colorful island, I do not want to even consider that the gray island is needed. Its as if I am avoiding looking at the background and dissociating from it. Removing it from my conscious awareness. But nevertheless, it still exists and that is what makes my positive experience even possible. In some way, I am unable to fully enjoy the positive experience also because of this blocking I do.
- I try to hold on to positive experiences as if they are real. But they are as real and meaningful as negative experiences.
- This causes me to constantly seeking the colorful island from the gray island, but when I actually get color, I try to hold on to it and get dragged back into the gray island and once again keep seeking it. Even when I have the positive experience, I suddenly tunnel my vision and try to grasp and extract as much as I can from it. This action/desperation actually reduces the pleasure/satisfaction/understanding of the positive experience.
- In other words, in a way I do not experience the positive experience fully, because I do not allow myself to perceive its dual fully. Most of what I have is the mental satisfaction for meeting one of my mental ideas. But beyond the mental level satisfaction, the satisfaction is not for the entire being.
- Also satisfaction comes from understanding. I am not perceiving the whole picture, because I am only understanding the interdependence from one side and not the other and believe that the positive experiences have their own essence somewhere.
- The reason for this belief maybe that I am afraid of the total emptiness/shift, if even positive experiences have no essence. I have understood this fact logically and intellectually. But to feel it/experience this with my entire being, with all my emotions, with all my primitive powers is another thing.
- Actually the separation between intellectual, emotional, primitive instincts, mind and being are just artificial boundary lines we draw in the spectrum of our experience. They are just concepts. Each person would draw the boundary differently, include/exclude different aspects. The reality of it is that, it is just one space just like the land on earth is just land and we divide it into various countries by drawing artificial boundaries. The reality of it is quite seamless/continuous. What I call my intellectual understanding will slowly percolate in my entire being. The intensity of the drive, earnestness to know the truth is a better indicator of how deep a person would reach (as said by Nisargadatta M) vs. whether he is working intellectually, emotionally with mind/body which is kind of irrelevant because they are all concepts and each person categorizes them differently etc.

You have to hold the beautiful in you mind to see the ugly.
You have to hold the ugly in your mind to see the beautiful.

You have to hold the insane in your mind to see sanity.
You have to hold sanity in your mind to see the insane.

You do not lose the beautiful when you hold the ugly.
You do not lose the ugly when you hold the beautiful.
They both mutually make each other possible.
The ugly reminds you of the beautiful.
The beautiful reminds you of the ugly.
I was trying to hold the beautiful without the ugly which was impossible because when I tried to do that, I essentially dissociated from all perception of both the ugly and the beautiful.
This caused me to constantly seek the beautiful but even when I did get it I could not experience it because I would try to remove ugliness. But removing the ugliness would also cause the beauty experience to disappear. So I would be left with nothing.

So I would only really experience: ugly in foreground and beauty in background and I keep trying to attain that beauty at a distance. But when I attained beauty I would not get it because I would then try to cut off ugliness but that would cause the beauty to disappear too. So my only complete experience was when ugly was in the foreground and beauty was in the background, which is why I naturally gravitated towards the ugly and feeling most of my life is bad.
Even my behavior would attract the ugly because of my core-belief that beauty has its own essence.So that is the core belief that stopped me from a complete relaxed experience of life.The fundamental dissatisfaction and longing would get fulfilled with this understanding.