My desires

Trust, love, belonging, safety, relaxation, merging with all of existence, connection, openness, embracing, fearlessness, freedom (no attachments, no bondages, nothing to protect), true meaningful service (what I was meant to do, following my highest passion and excitement), full alignment with the universal energy, finding true purpose of my existence, finding my true essence, transcending all desires, transcending and freedom from the self, effortlessness, healing of self from all its trauma from neglect, removing all neurosis (procrastination, the forcefields prevent me from doing things expected), removal of all divisions within the mind, full integration, realization of my infinite nature, infinite peace, complete clarity of reality and all perception phenomena (complete clarity on cause, effect, purpose, decisions, other people, behavior, psychology etc.), removal of all prisons of the mind, finding the origins, purpose and reasons for all the aspects in myself, exploration of extraordinary states of mind, exploration of psychedelics, reaching peak experiences and seeing experience with microscopic intensity and clarity, staying with knowing, reaching childlike wonder and fascination, complete understanding of duality and how to play, complete fulfillment at all moments, complete and maximal functioning of my brain, Experiencing ecstasy, delight, rapture, Extreme concentration powers and flexibility, super high processing speed of incoming information, removal of all shame, disgust, embarrassment, guilt, seeing through all belief structure realms, ability to reach any altered state at will (full access, full freedom), express my true infinite self to the world in its full light, perfect working of memory, accessing all potentials of my consciousness space, a state of receptivity and aliveness, seeing the truth at all times.

Thoughts - Apr 9, 2014

Meditation on weed:
I could see myself switching between the 2 modes: social mode of thinking and my personal mode. I was the arbiter choosing between those 2. It seemed like the 'external world' was far out, and my 'self and emotions' were much much nearer to me.  There was a clear sensation of the 'me perception' (self and emotions) I was carrying around. The self was a baggage I was carrying around. A psychic object made of energy.

Also I could see my 'Will' center was very very deep. In fact I could almost not find it at all. The command just comes from the infinite space behind, and it materialized itself and accordingly shifted my focus. I could see that I am the creator of all perception, I create it by virtue of my choice. The self was the filter which restricted this choice making and seemed to make it follow patterns and meta-patterns.

The more I withdraw and let go, the deeper I go. By this logic, it seems certain that maximal equanimity with super depth would give me the experience of infinity or deep sleep. As I go backwards and see everything as one substance 'knowing', I can see that there is nothing but the movement of knowing (including the self psychic structure(filter/focuser)) which is happening by itself. There is no experience of a separate doer OR the 'doer' and the 'done' are the same. All awareness content is aware of itself, there is no agent. All manifestation in perception is because you will it into existence.

Thoughts about Shiva and Prakriti analogy:
Its like shiva (awareness) and prakriti (dance). There are infinite such combinations(prakriti) available for the self(shiva) to participate in, but the self is free to choose and completely withdraw to nothingness if it desires so. The real 'you' is like the kid in the park(shiva) free to choose any game(infinite games created by prakriti) to play. Another way to describe would be shiva is 'space', prakriti is 'content'. The space is free to choose among its own infinite contents or withdraw from everything and stay as no-thingness. The self is free to choose any level in this spectrum. The self is also free to decide what level of involvement it wants, with what games.

Detachment and true choice:
Attachments (even the subtlest ones) are the prison preventing this freedom. The longing to escape the self is the longing to escape attachment. Attachment and fear are the same thing. Attachment IS a fear in essence. True choice itself can only happen with true detachment (True detachment == fearlessness). Otherwise, if attached, what freedom do you have to choose anything?

Refinement of the analogy:
In fact, even this analogy can be improvised. It is not even an external game(prakriti) that the self(shiva) participates in, with the self being separate from the game. Its more like, the self itself has infinite potentials of modulating patterns within its own substance.

Its like imagine your computer monitor or TV came alive and it show display any picture it wanted (infinite potential for pictures). The same applies to 'experience'. We are the infinite potential space for experience. The potential for modulation is 'prakriti' and space or nature is 'shiva'.
Shiva = nature, Potential = prakriti.

I can take this even further. Space itself is an experience, time itself is an experience. So the only thing I can rightly call it would be 'no-thingness' (the '-' is intentional, indicating it is no thing and beyond everything). Because any 'thing' is only one of its potentials out of an infinite number. It is this vast undefined no-thing in which something appears. So all the contents of experience, is only an appearance (among infinite such appearances).

All expression possibilities are available at every moment

All expression possibilities are available in all moments. At every moment, there is an appearance that satisfies the emotion you want to feel. Go into the appearance in the moment that allows you to feel what you want to feel, and feel it. The situation is immaterial, because it is as infinite and whole as any other appearance.

Its the belief that the situation does not deserve certain expressions from you (joy, love, involvement, interest, fascination, wonder) that holds you back. If this belief stays persistent, it causes depression. When this belief is removed, the lost freedom is regained.

In fact reality itself is this infinite possibility space. Finding your true nature is finding out that 'You are THAT'. You feel what you want to feel. If you think a mental/world model prevents you from doing this, then that is the belief illusion. This is because the mental model exists in a totally changeable thought space. Enlightenment is basically finding out that 'You' are the true essence of everything. No external object has any intrinsic essence. There is only ONE SPACE where everything appears and 'You ARE that space'.

Desires are what you deny yourself

- Your desires are exactly what you are denying in yourself.
- I'm constantly on the lookout for appearances that would give me what I am denying myself.
- I'm constantly looking out for appearances that would quell all 'presence of absence' so that there is only presence.
- It occurs to me, if you are fully aware of the presence of absence of 'Something' then all that is needed to be done is to transcend it and give yourself that 'Something' you missed.
- To be aware of the presence of absence of 'Something', that implies you know exactly what that 'Something' is.

- So in a true sense, you can never really say 'I do not know what I want'.
- Whats preventing you from fully experiencing that 'Something' you denied yourself in that case?
- There is some belief/belief network you are unaware of because the minute you become aware/observe this belief network, it is transcended and seen for what it is.

Removing beliefs:
- Removing beliefs is a bit like a the 'short term memory picture test'.
http://www.brightfocus.org/alzheimers/resources/matching-pictures-memory-game-1.html
- When you find all the same picture blocks they disappear. Similarly we test spiritual insights with the contents of our memory and experience causing the insight to get more and more internalized.
- Like take the statement 'Everything is made up of consciousness, the one substance'. Now verify this with all all the contents of your immediate experience (all the contents of your memory).
- So if you have internalized an insight logically and to a beginner level experientially, then you can take a substance that enhances memory access/recall/unblocks/frees it or a good psychedelic to sift through your memory folders and investigate if it meets the insight.

Finding sexual partners

We look for partners who will give us what we are denying ourselves. The ideal partner is one who counteracts all your beliefs or feelings that make sexual arousal difficult. This partner also counteracts all the emotional blocks too. Blocks are tied to guilt, neglect, fear. The rule for sexual arousal: "Have others do onto you what you feel guilty about doing to others." Guilt inhibits sexual arousal, its diminution increases sexual excitement. It is the person who absolves you of all your sins.

You fantasies give you a strong clue as to what aspects are you denying yourself.

Qualitative and Quantitative research, correlation, causation

There are perspectives of perspectives of perspectives. We draw the objective line from subjective when it is deemed convenient, common and when it satisfies the goal. So the goal drives the research. So we would always find what we seek in research. You see what you want to see.

"Correlation is not equal to causation". This was something I was playing with in my mind for sometime. In fact if causation is not known, then correlation cannot prove anything. Then correlation is simply an appearance, taken further we can talk about probability. But probability is different from certainty. Probability implies appearance and is actually a truer way of looking at things than certainty. When we prove a rule we collect a sample of data for a sample of time and use a particular method. Now there is infinite data, infinite time and infinite methods or qualitative aspects. Which one do we choose to make rules, theorems, laws etc.? It is decided upon based on human goals and conveniences. So the first cause of everything is still unknown, so nothing can be said to be true about anything. This is what the mystics saw, and called all of reality an appearance instead of a solid reality.

In a way, quantitative research is a subset of qualitative research. Because what we call quantitative is basically a set of qualities taken to be true and the edifice of quant stands on top of those chosen set of qualities - concept of measurability, divisibility, independent essence etc.

The ultimate meaninglessness of time

While staring at a digital clock ticking, I started to get anxious about how much time I should spend staring at it. As I watched the seconds and minutes pass by, I felt more and more anxious and tensed. Since there is always something we are supposed to do and we need to push ourselves to do it. But then suddenly my perspective shifted and I thought, what is the point? What is the point about worrying about this time ticking?  Right now it shows 18:01 in the stop watch. It is basically going to tick forever and forever until it shows 100000000000000000000000000….

and so on. What difference does it make whatever this time shows in the display? This though brought me back to direct experience which occurs in time itself. This knowledge about the direct experience of change, I realized is timeless, because the thing that is aware of time is beyond time.

Why should I ever get stressed at time? Time is basically awareness of change. Why should that be stressful. I can never imagine or think of a period when I was not in time. All experiences themselves can come into existence only in time, because time is change and experience happens only when there is change. No change implies no experience. Experience itself is because of contrast. If I am all of experience, then I am time itself. Also, thinking that there are other people with different experiences independent of you is a logical fallacy. You can even be aware of this, only if this statement made above is your experience. There is only 'Direct experience' and nothing beyond that.

Also, we are concerned and worried about conserving electricity, money, material wastage etc. From this perspective I wonder, what difference does it make ultimately? Things are always changing and transforming and will do so forever. The total energy and space in which experience happens is always full and whole. Only its contents are continuously changing. Even the physical world/universe is just an appearance and small part in this space of direct experience. Ultimately what difference does anything make? Once this is realized, why is there need for any kind of worry or stress?

About 'Power', its flavors and perspectives

Conventional experience of power:
A man's power is his potential.

Power itself is potential expressing itself (as kinetic energy).

The experience of power = The appearance in consciousness/(direct experience) of the a 'capacity' for change.

Power is experienced in different flavors (personal/impersonal):

- If the agent of change is your personal will, then you experience your will as the mover/force of change. This is the experience of personal power.

- If the agent of massive change is witnessed in another object such as a tsunami, hurricane, earthquakes, highly influential people like Hitler etc. then also, there is a visceral experience of power. This is the experience of impersonal power.

The experience of power, is an appearance in awareness. This appearance can have either the impersonal or a personal flavor. However, this is in the conventional sense.

The conventional experience of power has certain beliefs that have to go with it:

1. Primary differentiation - Direct experience is divided into: 'There is a you, there is the external.'

2. Division of the external - The external is further subdivided into numerous objects, each separate from each other.

3. False attribution of agency: Whenever a change is witnessed, an 'agent of change' (object) is identified.

4. False belief about power residing within the agent: The 'power to change' is believed to reside within this 'agent of change'(object) identified.

Scientists take this divide and conquer strategy and take it even further. They would go as far as the atomic level or even finer, and state that one electron causes another to slip out of orbit etc. But does the electron house its own energy? OR is it simply a vessel for universal energy? This is never questioned. These beliefs are in-fact the basis for conventional science itself.

Other points:

Power is unstoppable when you are aligned to the universal force passing through you.

This universal force can be experienced when you abide in effortlessness.

The more you resist this universal force, the more out of line you are with it, the more energy is wasted and scattered. This results in feeble scattered power.

Look at the phenomenon of electricity. What is the force that aligns all the electrons in the wire? Voltage, Potential difference?

What is this potential for a human? What can convert the random electrical firings in our brain to a powerful coherent force of change?

When your brain energy is scattered, what power can it have? It is constantly pulled between different voltage differentials, but the net effect is ambiguous feeble movements.

It is like the difference between a Laser and a diffused light bulb.

The ultimate power is to have full control over one's experience/perception/reality. It is the power to make yourself see what you want to see, hear what you want to hear, feel what you want to feel, and experience what you want to experience. The closer you get to nothingness, the closer you get to realizing this level of power and freedom. The power of controlling others/their minds/make them do anything for you is a very paltry substitute to that.
Analogy: It is like the difference between having 'God Mode' in a particular specific game on your computer(Say counter strike) vs. the power to create any game you want(freedom to switch between 1000,000's of games or make your own).

Power in the mystic sense:
What if everything is simply an appearance of the unitary universal energy? What if the all appearances are simply the manifestation of this singular energy space? Are we all like sailboats moved by the universal energy? OR are we like motor boats having a finite energy within us which we need to protect from other finite energy motor boats?

The mystics saw through these beliefs and realized that there is no motor boat self at all. There is neither a sail boat self who is helpless. The whole universe is like a dream and the unitary energy of the dream creates all its appearances. From this perspective, power has a whole different meaning.

Power in the mystic sense is the unfolding from the un-manifest to the manifest. All of manifestation is your creation. From this perspective, power is simply an appearance. There is an appearance of personal and impersonal power and sometimes neither. Power is just part of the grand unfolding of the dance of awareness, and it is nothing that needs to be held on to. Why should we hold on to power, when there is nothing to protect. The experience of a mystic is like empty space, nothing is impeded, nothing is encouraged, since there is no need for that. There is simply the effortless dance of awareness.

Are you feeling what you want to feel?

Epiphany -
Are you feeling what you want to feel? If the models are an illusion, then select a model that allows you to feel what you want to feel not the other way around. Its simply self denial because of beliefs about the world, beliefs about the concept of worthiness, beliefs about validity and conditions for guilt and shame.

Thought process -
Our mind is occupied with different models of the world learned from parents, friends, media, society, relatives.

Certain models we take for granted. For example: Most things said by Newtonian science that there is a solid world that follows invariable laws of physics and which exist independent of the observer. There are also deeper things which we never question like the belief of separation. Is there really any separation in reality? OR is it all just created?. Then we have, all the beliefs about who you are which is a collection of meta-patterns - behavior patterns, thought patterns, emotion patterns, tendencies etc. All these models/beliefs form the unquestioned bedrock on which we build our life story and experience it.

In this lifetime, I have gone through a million such models at different moments, days, hours etc.

Some models are thrust upon us by the consensus reality i.e. society, culture etc. Some others are because of the primary beliefs given to us by our parents about who we are. Lastly, there are the lighter models which keep changing with time.

However, ultimately, all these models appear in my mind/thought space and translate themselves into certain emotions. So I would to call into question, are any of these million appearances in thought space really real? Are all of them equally real? If I think some are more real than others, then isn't that just because of belief? I think the most logical conclusion I can arrive at is that, the thought space definitely unequivocally exists, however the content of this space is an appearance and no appearance is REALLY real in that sense. The actual nature of the thought space is a sort of mystery, indeterminate potential energy because it creates all these multifarious appearances. Why should I believe some appearances are more valid than others when I experience all of them in the same way? Just because somebody told me, that don't give importance to 'x' but give importance to 'y'? Why should I believe that and limit my real experience?

So the cycle is like 'Direct experience' --> a caregiver in early life structures this direct experience into a model and maps appropriate emotions and expressions for how to act and feel --> 'Belief is formed and model is solidified as you'. --> This you that is formed is a budding fractal pattern of the model and emotion mappings thus created --> All of our life you work from this fractal and it keeps endlessly unfolding and also interacts with other fractal patterns.

Again, ultimately all of this happens in your awareness. That is the one space where everything is happening. All the other people, external material reality, the universe, you private world of imagination and thought, all appear in this 'Singular' ONE space.

So if we realize that all models are simply appearances, then what causes those appearances? What is the root of the appearance I am having right now? As this is explored more and more, it is realized that, that is a mystery. The first cause of anything is unknown.

So the models that you see are driven by your beliefs. Once all those beliefs are questioned and seen as they are in their true place, the models change from being a 'solid reality' to 'Appearances'.

Appearances are basically phenomena that appear to true to the senses in the moment but are not absolutely true. They change all the time. Most people might have gone through 100000000000s of appearances. Isn't that enough for you to know that you cannot believe any one appearance is REALLY real?

Now if models are only appearances, why should I let the model dictate what I should feel? Shouldn't it be the other way?

Sexuality, polarization, denial, pleasure

Sex is because of polarization. For a guy, he gets turned on as he imagines himself to be soft like a girl. A girl gets turned on when she imagines herself to be hard and tough like a guy. And then, there is this relationship of lust that develops towards this imagination. When the polarization is more intense or when the guy and girl are in the extremes of masculinity and feminity, then the lust vastly increases. Lust by nature is actually a willing deprivation. The man deprives himself of feminity and acquires it by external projection of those qualities (qualities he deprives himself of) to the girl. The girl does the same. They both stand at the ends of the magnet respectively creating greater tension. The stronger the polarization and distances from the center, more the tension energy. When they 2 unite, the 2 polarities become one and complete each other. Its similar to couple dancing. There is a lead and follower. If the follower is leading and the leader is following a bit then the dance loses its intensity.

The real truth is, the true you is neither masculine nor feminine. We polarize ourselves denying the other side and constantly chase it for a temporary release and satisfaction. So its not really real. Its an illusion but a very pleasurable one. Its similar to playing soccer for a whole hour in the sun and not drinking water and waiting till you get extremely thirsty. After the wait, when you finally drink water, there is so much satisfaction because the deprivation is removed. Denial and pleasure are highly connected.

'Awareness as a collection of spaces' metaphor

Awareness is basically spaces. The physical world space, the emotional space, the feeling space, the mental thought/imagination space and plenty more. When activity in one space is strong, it pulls attention towards it like gravity.

What happens for me a lot of times is that, there is some somatic sensation that pulls all of my attention preventing it from going outward and expanding. The more empty my internal space is of emotion, the more transparent my body and the farther the light of attention can reach.

What happens is that my attention gets locked on to intense activity happening in my internal spaces. The more intense it is, the more attention it pulls. Its exactly like gravity or black holes of attention. An intense pain causes almost a black hole for attention energy. You can be aware of nothing but the pain. So it seems like pain demands and seizes your attention.

What is needed is regulation of attention/focus system to have freedom. For this, I need awareness of all the limiting belief structures. Then investigation and transcendence/understanding of each and finally total inclusion of all spaces and their content possibilities.

Is it possible to keep awareness continuously over the entire infinite space all the time no matter how intense a sensation is, in any plane?

Reality is basically where you put your attention. If your attention is narrow, your reality is narrow and focused. If your attention is broad, your view of reality is broad and rich. Awareness is presence and 'attention control' is freedom.

All that is needed is to FREE Attention. That is the ultimate freedom when there is no belief that can seize your attention in any way. No attachment to any model of the world, no attachment to any concepts of body, materiality or the existence of an other.