About Meaning/Intimacy/Transcendence

Each day in my exploration of meaning, I'm seeing clearer and clearer that EVERY single life situation is meaningful.
Every life situation is like a particular dream of the 'Infinite' OR I could say, its like looking at the 'divine potential/creation/jewel' from different points of view (Like how each time you visit a place, you see different parts of it OR different aspects of the same thing OR different interpretations of the same thing and so forth).

What we call existence, awareness, life is not a noun but a verb. Its the movement between one point of view to another and so on. An endless unfolding of meaning. The relativity of everything makes each point of view dependent on all the others and vice versa, creating total interconnectedness. In this total interconnectedness, you are always looking at the whole, only from different points of view. (The complete picture whether you are seeing 30% ying and 70% yang or vice versa, still always adds up to 100% or the infinite.)

I always dreamed of total intimacy/union and so my in that endeavor I tried to get closer and closer to my partner.

So my initial state was: psychological distance and longing was for intimacy.

But now when I am very intimate, I miss psychological distance, mystery, fascination, awe, wonder, excitement, anticipation, curiosity, sexual charge and exploration. Of course there are the flip aspects too of having psychological distance. This comes with insecurity, anxiety, fears (fears of rejection are stronger, fear of being misunderstood, fear of abandonment), insecurity, uneasiness, pressure (to try to impress, prove worth etc.), trust is lower, psychological armor is higher, superficiality is higher, understanding is lower and so forth.

So now my state is: high intimacy and longing is for psychological distance.

In intimacy, you have more trust, more understanding, more relaxation, more ease, more comfort, less stress, more security, less pressure, less psychological armor, more depth in convos etc. But the flip side is, less of (mystery, fascination, awe, wonder, excitement, anticipation, curiosity, sexual charge and exploration).

But even this picture is kind of simplistic. Because when I long for intimacy another part of me also wants psychological distance. Also vice versa, when I long for psychological distance, I also don't want to reduce intimacy. So like Gurdjieff said, these are 2 contradictory aspects of myself. When one gets satisfied, the other starts to pull in the other direction and vice versa. So I kind of see this push and pull effect as a characteristic of existence itself which is constantly moving in ecstasy between dualities.

Another aspect would be, even in intimacy there are levels which can once again trigger all of the desired qualities (mystery, fascination, awe, wonder, excitement, anticipation, curiosity, sexual charge and exploration). Like say if we are at level 5 then level 6,7,8 would trigger emotions of wonder. Similar to how people in the monetary game start of making say 40k a year and aim for 60k. When they reach 60k they aim for 80k and so forth. However as they gain more and more money, another part of them feels encumbered by their possessions and wants to be free of the accumulation. So this is another example of 2 contradictory forces in the same man.

The 2 really crazy contradictions that exist in me are:
Desire for complete psychological distance/freedom/wonder and desire for absolute/total intimacy/union/peace.

So the real truth I experience is that, there is nowhere to reach, neither absolute psychological distance (total unknown) nor absolute intimacy (total known). Total known = No mystery, but full safety. Total unknown = Full mystery, but great fear. So we oscillate between these 2 and the satisfaction happens through understanding. Also transcendence happens through understanding/observation. Total happiness, is total understanding of the abstract mechanics of creation itself and it is not in the attainment of any particular state/point of view.

Nature of gain/loss meaning/meaninglessness, attachment and manifestation

Supposing you lose your eyes, a certain kind of experience is lost and only stays in memory henceforth. Isn't that the same for even trying out drugs like cocaine, meth, ecstasy, psychedelics etc.? Where you get a certain experience for a certain time and then its gone and it only resides in your memory after that. Aren't all of our experiences like that, i.e. stepping into a different river every-time?

Then why are we afraid of losing our eyes? Taking it further, why are we afraid of losing anything? Are we afraid of losing that flavor of experience? Are we afraid because of survival difficulty? What is survival anyway? Maintaining this mega-frame of a self-outside distinction?

Is all pain, a fear of loss of some kind? Pain of - loss of someone you love, loss of your own body, loss of certain experiences, loss of certain mental abilities, loss of senses, loss of certain flavors of perceptions?

Does it mean, pleasantness is gain of any kind - loved ones, senses, extension of body, experiences, mental abilities, flavors of perception?

Loss can only happen to the things we are attached to. Why are we attached to certain things and not others? On examination doesn't it seem silly? Is attachment entirely based in unawareness? Can attachment exist when you are fully aware? Why should we be attached to any frame of mind, any object of perception?

Why should we be attached to this experience of the mega-frame of being a separate person(I, me, mine) in an external world?
Why should we be attached to the frame of possessing things (mine frame)?
Why should we be attached to others perception of us(me frame)?
Why should we be attached to certain qualities which we identify as us ('I' frame)?
Is it because it is circularly reinforced by every person we meet who believes in the same thing? Are we continuously re-hypnotized into believing these frames? What is the cost of not giving in to these frames everyone believes in? Is a certain deep chunk of unawareness the only reason for existence of this waking manifestation plane as a separate person?

Is this flavor of experience there just for the variety of it? Out of the infinite combinations, is this experience manifesting just for the fun of it? It doesn't seem like there could be any purpose, because purpose itself is an appearance. It seems like the only reason for the existence of this 'experience' is just for the novelty and meaning of it. It is a dream, a particular kind/flavor of dream just for the experience of it. If you were God, how else would you enjoy yourself besides creating these sublime dreams!

It seems like total awareness is God itself, the way to reach God is just by expanding awareness to the whole of experience. The only reason why dreams can exist without the dreamer knowing that he is dreaming is unawareness. Maybe this unawareness is there just for the fun and meaning of it, so that this kind of meaningful experience is possible.
There is meaning in meaning and meaning in meaninglessness, meaning is eternally there.

Meaning and meaninglessness:

Presence of presence of hope is meaning. 
Presence of absence of hope meaninglessness. 
But both are 'Present' and equally valid complete experiences.
Presence is eternal (Absence is also a kind of presence).

There is meaning(implicit) in meaninglessness(explicit), there is meaninglessness(implicit) in meaning(explicit). 
Just like light and dark, where dark is implicit in light(explicit) and light is implicit in dark(explicit). They are inseparable. 
When meaning is in the foreground/explicit and meaninglessness in the background/implicit then your life is filled with riches and hope.
When meaninglessness is in the foreground/explicit and meaning is in the background/implicit then your life is filled with poverty/scarcity and lack/despair.

Also, meaninglessness potentiates meaning. Greater the meaninglessness you have experienced, greater is your potential to feel meaning relative to the amount of the former experienced.
Meaning potentiates meaninglessness. Greater the meaning experienced, greater the potential for meaninglessness when the factors creating meaning are removed.
They both create each other mutually.

Even in life and death, you are most afraid of death when you feel the most alive. If you are in an ordinary mood/ordinary day then your fear of death would be lower too.

The movement is like a pendulum, greater you pull on one side, greater is the distance reached on the other because the potential energy thus created. All experience is therefore complete, whether it is 30% kinetic and 70% potential or vice versa, kinetic + potential = same in all cases. The 'Yin+Yang  = Unity' in all snapshots.
 

Reality Perception: How Words Shape Experience

Reality Perception:
Every word you present to yourself is a 'symbol of a certain quality'. Since words are carriers for qualities, the words you use fill your mind with the corresponding qualities they represent. Words therefore directly affect reality perception. Now lets say, we have a undesirable quality X and a desirable quality Y. We also have logical operator words like not, don't etc.

The negative logical operator words like not, don't only indicate 'resistance or defense' against the basic quality laid out.

For Example: Don't do X, then X is the quality dominating the reality screen. The 'Don't' just adds resistance against the quality X. 
So all that there is in the reality screen is: 1. A quality X, 2. Resistance against X (by the 'don't' phrase.)

In other words, 'Don't do X' does not imply you'll experience Y (Y being the desired action). 
In your direct experience, the only 2 things that would exist would be quality X and a resistance to quality X. 
Your external behavior however may indicate that Y is dominating your awareness, but in your internal experience (which is what really matters), you are not experiencing Y at all.

In mathematics -(-1) = +1. 
This is not true/not applicable in direct experience. -(-1) stays as it is, as its own quality, and does not become +1.

A more concrete example: 
If a person tells himself 'Don't be bad', the quality 'bad' dominates his awareness and he resists this quality by the word 'don't'. He does not feel the quality of 'good' at all. Though externally this person's actions would appear like the quality 'good' is dominating his reality, but it is not so.

Insights on weed - Jun 28, 2014

- Every thing in reality is a movement of consciousness you are doing.
- Movement to go deeper, extricate emotion connection to the 'basic more superficial feeling'.

Scan of chakras: Functions
- Crown - transcendent, beyond, connection to other fundamentally different realities. (7-D)
- Forehead - vision, clarity, seeing, connection to other realities and modes, non-duality perception possible. (6-D)
- Throat - saying something very emotionally, doing (5-D)
- Heart - love, interest, fascination (4-D)
- Solar plexus - bliss projected, opening up emotional frame, center of will, what is going on is right (agreeable, accepted) (3-D)
- Sexual - desire, pain, pleasure (2-D)
- Root - reptilian instincts of fear and safety. (1-D)

- To go beyond the body concept, just shift attention to non-body elements.
- 6th or Thinking creates another experience, its another movement kind, it does not help you see what's actually happening.
- I can move consciousness in different ways by giving energy to any of these centers.
- Reality creation is from attention.
- The sixth does not control the other chakras. I only think it does. In fact it adds more movement and also creates the appearance of it doing it - delusion. All activity of the sixth is a delusion because the thought space can completely change.
- Im living in a mental universe if I'm living in the 6th.
- Imagine a brain in each center. And when focusing on one, imagine there is only a brain there and just the cord.
- Even all that I have written now is an illusion , even the notion of a body and its outlines is an illusion.
- This world is created by the spirit and it can instantly materialize a world (one of the worlds has the notion of a body and focusing on it). But we are believing this world and the belief is the unconscious energy that solidifies it for us.
- Each chakra is a vortex extending mostly forward and more backward vs sideways.
- I'm imagining this world up. The spirit is imagining this whole world body and all systems up. Withdrawing this projection will end the world. The forehead can move to different worlds and realities.
- There is no part of me being aware, or doing the awaring, I am just aware. If I am using the 6th chakra to be aware, then it is a particular flavor of it. There is a different flavor when I am not using the 6th and directly looking. But I get my personal model of reality interpretation from the 6th.
- Persistent dream created because I have not given fine attention to how I am projecting this out.
- Everything is made up of my stuff.
- With open eyes there is a particular flavor of reality. When I close my eyes and imagine my body another flavor. When I focus on images and movement of the 6th, another flavor (disappearance of the body/world model).
- The 6th is dreaming the world up, thats why it can lucid dream.
- Speed of change and movement increases as I move to higher chakras. The lowest is the most stable and slow moving, connection to solidity, feeling of permanence. As I move higher, its easier to change/modulate the chakra energy.

Scan of chakras: Emotion speed and intensity
- 7th - Transcendent level intensity emotion
- 6th - speed of thought, movement of perception. Reality changing intensity emotions, flash of insights level.
- 5th - Throat is at the speed of expression - through singing, subvoc, playing musical instrument, very high intense emotions.
- 4th - care, concern, softness, gentleness, very moving/touching, really feeling, high intense emotions - love/hate
- 3rd - feelings of safety/insecurity, medium intensity emotions.
- 2nd - Stable primitive slow moving emotions, giving sense of permanence.
- 1st - Very very slow moving emotions, root instincts, preservation
- Meditating on the lower 3 chakras gives sense of stability and security and slow movingness.

- The upper 4 chakras are faster moving, dynamic, swiftly dancing in movement getting faster and faster as we move higher.
- Seeing multiple worlds themselves would be in the 6th to 7th.
 - Chakras are a particular flavor of this (manifestation plane) accessed by 6-D and put down by the 7-D.
- 6th contains the belief filter and gives permission to the chakras to open and release according to the interpretation.

Any dependence is bondage

If you are dependent on anything, if you need anything, then you will also have all of that thing's limitations. By believing you need anything, you are signing up for a limitation of some kind. Be it drugs, a relationship, sex, a particular workplace, apt, city, country etc.

Movement is the self itself

 The self understands itself through movement. In fact movement is self. If there is no movement, there is no self. Its the fundamental drive to move towards expansion, variety, memory, richer meaning, richness of experience (quantity and quality). That's why when doing nothing, an impulse arises to move or boredom/dis-satisfaction works to promote exploration.

Its circular and the grandest game ever. Each lifetime is a wave of the cycle. waking, dreaming and sleep are all cycles going over the zero line. Understanding all the cycles and their workings is the liberation. Liberation is not in any particular state of mind/or a particular way of perceiving/or a particular experience since that is just one particular kind of movement of the wave. Reality cannot be one particular state or one particular pattern of movement. It is all the infinite patterns of movement and all of the substrate being moved. That is why it is said all of samsara is a cycle. If everything is cyclic, how can there ever be an end? True Existence is completely fathoming this mystery with every molecule of your being/experience.

I have noticed keenly that I do not really listen clear regarding what my experience is trying to communicate to me. The entire of experience is always there, but I have some patterns/systems of guilt, fear, attachment etc. that create so much of turmoil preventing me from seeing clearly like fog or stormy clouds which prevent you from seeing the sky, the stars or the sun. The struggle creates an intense motion blur making it almost impossible to see anything. The forces of guilt, fear etc. are obscuring forces manifesting struggle, confusion, disconnectedness, fragmentation, turmoil, resistance and so forth. I need to understand all the obscuring/distorting/fragmenting forces.

In fact, if I just stop all of that, and ask myself, and look at what my experience is really trying to tell me, It actually communicates extremely clear. Its just that there is this huge protective force field that needs to be fully stilled down, to read the clear messages give. My technique is just be alone in a dark room and plainly look at what is happening without distortion/manipulation/blurring it/disconnecting from it/distracting yourself etc. and after a while everything is visible clearly. Its like seeing through all of the fog and struggle, what the subtle experience is trying to communicate to you.

Part 2: Infinite thought sandwiches/interwoven spirals

Infinite sandwich like manifestation happening in the ultimate reality/The screen of consciousness:
…thought - emotion - thought - emotion - thought - emotion…
…DE(direct experience) - belief - DE - belief - DE - belief - DE…
…destiny - choice - destiny - choice - destiny - choice - destiny…
…chicken - egg - chicken - egg - chicken - egg - chicken - egg…
…cause - effect - cause - effect - cause - effect - cause - effect...

They are like infinite interwoven tapestries with no beginning and no end:
- So every event is equally both a cause and an effect simultaneously.
- In existence, choice and destiny manifest simultaneously.
Choice is a destiny. Destiny is a choice.
- Both the chicken and egg were created simultaneously. Every chicken needs an egg. Every egg needs a chicken. There cannot be a chicken without an egg. There cannot be an egg without a chicken.
- Beliefs create experience. Also, experience creates belief. Both are true simultaneously.No beliefs = No experience, also No experience = No beliefs.
- Every thought causes an emotion to arise. Every emotion causes a thought to arise.

Everything is inseparably connected and dependent on everything else for its existence. The entire of creation is a simultaneous moment (beyond time). Seeing things as cause/effect is the limitation of our linear thought.

Is Life Pre-determined(Destiny) or do we have a choice?

This is an interesting question. As I ponder over this question, I realize its surprisingly complex.

I could say:
It was my choice to do this right now.

It was my destiny that I would choose to do this right now

It was my choice to think in this way that 'It was my destiny to make this specific choice right now'.

I was destined to make this choice to think that 'It was my choice to choose to think that it is my destiny to make this choice right now.

....and so forth.

It is like an infinite thought sandwich.

...choice - destiny - choice - destiny - choice - destiny - choice - destiny...

Its like 2 mirrors facing each other and reflecting each other infinitely.

Choice is reflected by destiny. Destiny is reflected by choice.

They both are inseparable from each other, since they mutually create each other.

If everything was destined, how can choice exist. Things would happen exactly as per the pre-determined. Also if that were the case, even the word destiny would be meaningless because what would you compare it against.

If we had absolute choice, then you would do exactly what you want to do, when you want to do it.

In this case, destiny is meaningless, but what does 'choice' even mean in that case, if that is the one and only reality anyway?

So the 2 concepts are a dualistic pair. Just like all the other dualistic concepts - light/dark, day/night, happiness/sadness etc. The duality pairs mutually create each other simultaneously. They appear together and disappear together. If one exists, the other is inevitably implied.

In fact that's where the entire play of creation stems from the splitting of the Absolute ONE into TWO. There is no creation without duality (Creation/destruction duality is implicit even when you use the word creation).

Pillars of Enlightenment

Equivalent terms (they all mean exactly the same thing in direct experience):

Complete Acceptance = Effortlessness = 0 Resistance = Full Equanimity = Weightlessness = Bliss = Total Peace.

3 Pillars of Enlightenment (Shinzen):
Concentration
(Directed Focused Attention)

Sensory Clarity
(Seeing the different flavors of everything clearly)

Equanimity

(100% Attention, 0% Resistance)

Extra most important pillar:
Awareness

(Seeing from the 'Screen of reality' point of view)

3 Pillars of Enlightenment (Buddhism):Impermanence
(Change is Eternal.
Change is what makes beauty and life possible.
Change is what makes even perception possible.
'Knowing' itself is possible only because of change.)

Unsatisfactoriness
(No 'Thing' can satisfy you. Only 'Nothing' can :))

Non-self
(There is nobody who knows, there is only knowing.
The person who appears to know is also part of the knowing.)
 
The Unfindable subject:

In the subject-object paradigm, the subject perceives the object.

But the dilemma here is, when you look for the subject, another object is found.

How can you find the subject, if whatever you find is an object?

The answer is, the subject is inherently unfindable and an infinite mystery.
The nature of the subject is an infinite mystery, unknown, infinite potential.

So the true perceiver is inherently unknowable, just like a fire cannot burn itself, or a knife cannot cut itself.
This is what is meant by return to your unborn self.
Because the 'born' self that you think you are, is the object and not the subject.
If you think you are any object, then you are dreaming.

You are the awareness that is aware of the screen itself, all of the screen contents are made up of your substance.
Everything that has ever appeared to you in your life is made up of your substance.

So the trick is to turn awareness on itself, instead of being aware of an object.
Being aware of the subject is like awareness being aware of awareness, therefore realizing itself by itself.
It is the ultimate unification.

What is beauty?

I always thought beauty was something to do with ideal forms created by some kind of laws - like symmetry, golden ratio (1:1.618), or from the principles of art: movement, unity, harmony, variety, balance, rhythm, emphasis, contrast, proportion, and pattern.

But the qualities above implied that beauty can be only felt in a gradient or hierarchical scale. In other words, the highest perception of beauty is dependent upon the objects/perceptions fulfilling those qualities which are rare in nature. But as I implored and probed the thought further, I felt beauty was a perception transcendent of even the qualities I mentioned above.

In a sense, even all those qualities I described above is a sort of deep cultural conditioning. Reading about different cultures and their perceptions of beauty really opened my mind up to the relativity of what we call beauty. For example ladies from a tribe in Thailand would wear rings on their neck to elongate it and the lady with the longest neck was considered most beautiful. There are umpteen such strange practices such as foot binding to make the feet small, tongue and body piercings, scars etc. which were done to in an effort to be more beautiful. We may dismiss such phenomenon as outliers but actually they are not. Even within the western culture there are so many different perceptions on what is considered beautiful. What is beauty then?

Are even the most abstract art principles we uphold a sort of deeper cultural belief based prison?

Then I probed into this further and then suddenly this epiphany hit me that "Seeing reality and things as they are, in their full openness and vulnerability is what is truly beautiful". Vulnerability generally has a negative connotation. So I could use the word 'Openness, tenderness, gentleness'. Now we are looking at the world through the goggles of our perceptual lens. So the first step is allowing your lens to be as it is in its full psychic openness and effortlessness with 0 resistance. Then allowing all of the perceived contents through this lens be seen with the same 100% allowing, effortless, tenderness, gentleness and full openness with 0 avoidance, 0 resistance and fearlessness. And finally just staying with this whole screen of experience and completely letting it be as it is in its true nature with no effort to distort or control what is perceived. Immediately there is a sense of free falling, effortlessness, vulnerability and a sense of beauty rushes through. It involves a profound act of letting go of the moment completely and simply staying with bare effortless observation.

Love as a relationship vs. an object

Love is an experience of a relationship, it is not an 'experience object' by itself. Like when you have a rare pleasurable experience, the projected relationship towards this 'Pleasurable experience object' is love. Love is a projection from you towards the manifest experience. It is the highest projection you are capable of towards the manifest. It is the highest vibration your reality could vibrate in. It is something projected by you towards the manifest object. So the source of love cannot be anything other than you since it is you who projects it onto 'experience objects'.

Conventional love:

Conventionally, our belief structures filter what can allow you to open this projection onto the manifest. Such a case, would be conditional love. So when the 'experienced object' is passed through your belief filter, and is deemed worthy of the experience of love, then you shine/project love on to the 'experience object'.

For example, a teenager who is extremely eager to try alcohol for the first time in his life comes with very high expectation. If the right amount of alcohol is given to him, he would shine projected love towards that inebriated experience. Whereas, a devout christian who is deeply against the concept of alcohol may process this experience in an extremely negative way. So we conditionally open and close our love projection based on the interpretation of our belief matrix and whether or not it interprets the present experience to be worthy of such a lofty projection.

In such a case, the love is dependent on the existence of the 'experience object' and is also dependent on the belief structures interpreting the stimulus as worthy of love. So if either of them changes, the 'experience object' or your 'reality input interpretation/belief structures', your projection would change into something else (not love anymore). Then your vibration may lower into other states and once again there would be a need to seek a manifest object that would pass through the filter and allow you to experience this love again.

About the belief filter and the fleetingness of conventional love:

This 'belief filter' that conditions your projection potentials is the prison. Also since both the 'unconscious belief matrix' and the 'manifest experience' are continuously changing, the experience of love is inevitably fleeting. The freedom lies in transcending this matrix and shining the light of awareness on all gross and subtle beliefs that form this matrix like prison.

About transcendent love:

Now, I've used words like prison, matrix, unconsciousness, fleeting, inebriated, dependence, lower vibration whose connotations point to negative phenomena. I've also used words like highest, transcendence, freedom, light, awareness where the connotations point to something very positive. The transcendent love however includes all of the above including the negative phenomena. In fact negative/positive distinctions are only based on the interpretative framework and duality. The transcendent love is for all interpretative frameworks, all of manifest experience, all its potentials etc. There is 'Nothing' literally that is not embraced by transcendent love.