Sex is a pleasure object that is so outside your egoic
control. When you really want it, you don’t get it. When you’re in an average
mood, you get it. Then the whole power game kicks in with questions like: Why
should I do it when you want, when you don’t give it to me when I want it? This
lack of control about the whole experience and you being at the mercy of luck
and your partner is so ego-destroying. It makes me a slave at the whim of my
master. My master is actually the attachment to the pleasure I get from it. My
partner would be the agent for evoking the pleasure, so in a way, she is the
master. It makes me feel vulnerable, pathetic, pitiable, helpless, a slave, and
at the mercy and whim of my master. It gives so much of my power away to the
other person. It makes me feel like a puppet which the other person can abuse.
It’s so demeaning, humiliating, hurtful and insulting. The entire internet keep
ramming into my head that it’s the most pleasurable thing in the world even
more than all drugs. Then why don’t I have access to it? Am I supposed to just
wait my entire life at the mercy of someone who would provide me that? Too
dis-empowering! Why is it such a pain to get sex when you exactly want it? Why
is the sexual part of all my relationships always kind of pressured, non-optimal,
guilt inducing and so ego based? There has to be some pleasure FAR better than sex
so that I can get rid of this bondage forever.
Love is another word I started hating. It’s an endless
waiting and it feels so competitive. Every person I see happy in love makes me
die a little bit inside. In the world around me, it seems like I have to really
slog my ass off to make someone love me. At least if it was that way, I would
have a definite path. Then it gets even more complicated when you realize, you
cannot force it, it will just happen. Well it’s not happening and I am acutely
aware of that. Even when I hear the word love or say it, I feel a lot of
discomfort in my chest.
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