Are you feeling what you want to feel?

Epiphany -
Are you feeling what you want to feel? If the models are an illusion, then select a model that allows you to feel what you want to feel not the other way around. Its simply self denial because of beliefs about the world, beliefs about the concept of worthiness, beliefs about validity and conditions for guilt and shame.

Thought process -
Our mind is occupied with different models of the world learned from parents, friends, media, society, relatives.

Certain models we take for granted. For example: Most things said by Newtonian science that there is a solid world that follows invariable laws of physics and which exist independent of the observer. There are also deeper things which we never question like the belief of separation. Is there really any separation in reality? OR is it all just created?. Then we have, all the beliefs about who you are which is a collection of meta-patterns - behavior patterns, thought patterns, emotion patterns, tendencies etc. All these models/beliefs form the unquestioned bedrock on which we build our life story and experience it.

In this lifetime, I have gone through a million such models at different moments, days, hours etc.

Some models are thrust upon us by the consensus reality i.e. society, culture etc. Some others are because of the primary beliefs given to us by our parents about who we are. Lastly, there are the lighter models which keep changing with time.

However, ultimately, all these models appear in my mind/thought space and translate themselves into certain emotions. So I would to call into question, are any of these million appearances in thought space really real? Are all of them equally real? If I think some are more real than others, then isn't that just because of belief? I think the most logical conclusion I can arrive at is that, the thought space definitely unequivocally exists, however the content of this space is an appearance and no appearance is REALLY real in that sense. The actual nature of the thought space is a sort of mystery, indeterminate potential energy because it creates all these multifarious appearances. Why should I believe some appearances are more valid than others when I experience all of them in the same way? Just because somebody told me, that don't give importance to 'x' but give importance to 'y'? Why should I believe that and limit my real experience?

So the cycle is like 'Direct experience' --> a caregiver in early life structures this direct experience into a model and maps appropriate emotions and expressions for how to act and feel --> 'Belief is formed and model is solidified as you'. --> This you that is formed is a budding fractal pattern of the model and emotion mappings thus created --> All of our life you work from this fractal and it keeps endlessly unfolding and also interacts with other fractal patterns.

Again, ultimately all of this happens in your awareness. That is the one space where everything is happening. All the other people, external material reality, the universe, you private world of imagination and thought, all appear in this 'Singular' ONE space.

So if we realize that all models are simply appearances, then what causes those appearances? What is the root of the appearance I am having right now? As this is explored more and more, it is realized that, that is a mystery. The first cause of anything is unknown.

So the models that you see are driven by your beliefs. Once all those beliefs are questioned and seen as they are in their true place, the models change from being a 'solid reality' to 'Appearances'.

Appearances are basically phenomena that appear to true to the senses in the moment but are not absolutely true. They change all the time. Most people might have gone through 100000000000s of appearances. Isn't that enough for you to know that you cannot believe any one appearance is REALLY real?

Now if models are only appearances, why should I let the model dictate what I should feel? Shouldn't it be the other way?