About the self, world, ground reality and energetic fractals

- What is this world really I am finding so demanding? Lets look at it from the absolute ground of awareness level. Everything is ultimately consciousness. The feeling experience of everything is energy in a certain configuration. In consciousness, there is an appearance of an external world which is like a frozen dream with laws, rules, limits. There is also the experience of being in a particular point of view and controlling a body. There is an appearance of 1-1 mapping between my actions and feelings. There is an appearance of a particular web of relationships, laws, rules. Intermittently, there is the experience of personal will where in the entire of consciousness, I am a fragment and capable of controlling the other fragments in a certain relationship. There is also the appearance of various psychic forces creating experiences by relativity. The continuous movement of the psychic energies creates an experience called life which again appears in consciousness. Consciousness itself is impersonal and what I call personal is only a fragment.

- Different psychic energies seem to appear in consciousness (the one space). Their movement and relativity creates the appearance of life. In this life however, there are some persistent deep energies cluster which I call myself. The interesting thing about the self is familiarity. No matter how many changes happen in your life, you still find a persistent and familiar sense of you. How is this possible if everything is changing? Maybe there are different levels to the change. Certain deep levels do not move at all creating the persistent familiar feeling of self. A particular pattern fueled by beliefs. What are these beliefs and what is the space in consciousness in which a belief resides?

- This self is attempting to find the conditions that would fulfill and neutralize, and end itself. However, the conditions may never be found because the self may be an endless pattern recreation like a fractal creating many many worlds infinitely but all of them having the root pattern of a fractal.  When this fractal itself is seen through, it is referred to as transcending the self where the insubstantiality and dream like nature of all experience is revealed.

- The self is almost like a particular kind of magnet, attracting certain experiences towards itself. The end result is a kind of fractal pattern in consciousness. That is why wherever you go, no matter how many situations change, the fractal gets recreated giving you the sense that YOU are still there. So since a fractal is infinite, there can be infinite diversity in a single person's fractal pattern. So transcending it, is like transcending to a higher infinity. So what this means is that infinity can contain smaller infinities within it and so on. Its similar to the universe, you can zoom into the universe to the nano-particles and still go infinitely deeper. You can also zoom outward and reach the level of super galaxy clusters. But all of that is only an appearance in a transcendent space and this unspeakable, ineffable space where everything appears is the ground of everything, the screen which creates all appearances into existence. This screen is what you truly are. Whether you are looking at a nano-particle or looking through a telescope at the farthest object in the universe, it is all appearing in your consciousness. So this instantly removes the solid materiality illusion.

- So the self is meta-patterns of relationships. It is the blue-print on how to form relationships. This blue print is like acorn from which the acorn tree unfolds. A set of very deep axioms of beliefs. Just like a basic set of 10 axioms can create the entire vastness of a subject like geometry, the self has axioms which can create this entire fractal in energy.

Thoughts - Apr 24, 2014

Desire is what makes me disconnect from what's there. It is not wanting/not liking what is there/present. Desire has a yang and a yin side.  Yin side is not wanting what is there. Yang side is wanting more of something that is there. If there is no desire, then automatically, you would just be and immerse yourself into what's present.  Seeing the in-substantial nature of desires and their conditional arising and passing makes me weary about trusting them. This makes me lose faith in time and is bringing me to the present.

Life goes on forever/eternally. There is no beginning in time and there is no end of time. Time/change is forever. Time itself is an appearance projected by the timeless dimension above it. I am all of time (as a concept) itself and beyond it. I can choose to be in time or timeless.

This bodily manifestation can be seen as a particular frozen paradigm in my imagination space.
Its as if I'm put into a video game of sorts/ a preset set of laws and rules creating this specific flavor (of world, universe, body, others etc.).

Why MUST I play this game? The game is somewhat fragile too and it is easy to die. When I further question this, the concept of death too seems meaningless. Death in fact literally means freedom from this dream and ability to solidify another dream or experiential paradigm. How can it be anything negative?

What would prevent me from once again imagining another bodily experience? Why should I be weary of it in the first place? If I want it, I'll imagine it, If not, I won't. If I'm split minded, then the stronger part would decide. It all seems perfect.

An interesting question to ponder would be: what aspects of this bodily experience am I attached to? What aspects of this worldly experience am I attached to?

I feel even what we call instinct for survival is us basically fearing about losing this flavor. But what keeps us wanting to experience this manifestation flavor? What do we waiting for, what do we want to see, experience, witness?

How do I move into limitless possibilities of creation? How do I escape this particular flavor of manifestation? Why did I decide to lock this paradigm and make it unconscious? Why did I divide myself up into all this multiplicity and choose to experience from this point of view?

If I am experiencing only a small fragment of the real me, then what sense does it make to oppose all the creation flavor witnessed? It is literally like me fighting with myself. It is like cancer, a cell not behaving in harmony with the other cells causing disharmony. What is the point of having so many thoughts and concerns about the future when it is unknowable anyway? Why do I choose to choose to fight with all of this? How do I reclaim all of my unconscious and understand the true reasons for everything?

It seems like the only plausible answer for: What's the point? is "The question you are asking, that is the point, to experience that, the point is THIS (whatever's happening, unfolding).

Also, another confusing thing about the world manifestation flavor is that, it exists when I tune into its frequency and I can tune out and move into my imagination frequency too if I want. So the question is, who created this world flavor of experience?  If I am only a witness, who is creating the contents?

All the bodily problems and everything might be because of my aversion to this manifestation. So the stomach refuses to digest, the intestines refuse to assimilate, the liver refuses to detoxify, the bowels do not eliminate well, breathing happens in a shallow way and so on. Whereas if I love everything, then wouldn't all of this happen far better? What is depression after all, it is wanting something that is not there.

Change is 'Meaning/Life'

Direct experience with hot and cold water 
Experience with cold and hot water - 2 dual direct experiences - the body stabilizes with whats there if it is kept going for a while. First the intensity of the experience rises, and then when it is too intense, the body disconnects and goes into some kind of void space, then again comes back to experience it but it does not feel as intense, its more moderated.

Life is the acceleration/deceleration and speed is meaningless
In other words it seems like we only feel acceleration and speed by itself is a meaningless concept. Even meaning, is basically the same thing, the change. Like if you were born in a rich family and always traveled in an aeroplane, that lifestyle would carry 1/100th the meaning compared to a poor kid dreaming about it. Change is life. More the change, more the life. Experience/Awareness is as change happens, it arises simultaneously with change and disappears when change stops.

Every night all the acceleration/euphoria/dancing/ecstasy of life particles almost stop causing deep sleep. Then once again they dance and their accelerations are experienced as life. The interesting part here is that there is no beginning and end. It happens forever in infinite patterns revealing infinite beauty experiences.

You are all of life's particles and you create life but setting them in motion. The unconscious part is when you have set some particles in motion (like the night in the picture) and then you forget that you set those particles in motion even. The completeness of the picture is seen once you witness all the particles and their motions.

Everyone is playing a game. But everything happens with the same infinite set of particles and motions.

Again the shiva and prakriti analogy strikes me. Shiva is all of life's particles and prakriti is the force that sets all of them into motion to form infinite patterns of beauty. This is the eternal dance.

My desires

Trust, love, belonging, safety, relaxation, merging with all of existence, connection, openness, embracing, fearlessness, freedom (no attachments, no bondages, nothing to protect), true meaningful service (what I was meant to do, following my highest passion and excitement), full alignment with the universal energy, finding true purpose of my existence, finding my true essence, transcending all desires, transcending and freedom from the self, effortlessness, healing of self from all its trauma from neglect, removing all neurosis (procrastination, the forcefields prevent me from doing things expected), removal of all divisions within the mind, full integration, realization of my infinite nature, infinite peace, complete clarity of reality and all perception phenomena (complete clarity on cause, effect, purpose, decisions, other people, behavior, psychology etc.), removal of all prisons of the mind, finding the origins, purpose and reasons for all the aspects in myself, exploration of extraordinary states of mind, exploration of psychedelics, reaching peak experiences and seeing experience with microscopic intensity and clarity, staying with knowing, reaching childlike wonder and fascination, complete understanding of duality and how to play, complete fulfillment at all moments, complete and maximal functioning of my brain, Experiencing ecstasy, delight, rapture, Extreme concentration powers and flexibility, super high processing speed of incoming information, removal of all shame, disgust, embarrassment, guilt, seeing through all belief structure realms, ability to reach any altered state at will (full access, full freedom), express my true infinite self to the world in its full light, perfect working of memory, accessing all potentials of my consciousness space, a state of receptivity and aliveness, seeing the truth at all times.

Thoughts - Apr 9, 2014

Meditation on weed:
I could see myself switching between the 2 modes: social mode of thinking and my personal mode. I was the arbiter choosing between those 2. It seemed like the 'external world' was far out, and my 'self and emotions' were much much nearer to me.  There was a clear sensation of the 'me perception' (self and emotions) I was carrying around. The self was a baggage I was carrying around. A psychic object made of energy.

Also I could see my 'Will' center was very very deep. In fact I could almost not find it at all. The command just comes from the infinite space behind, and it materialized itself and accordingly shifted my focus. I could see that I am the creator of all perception, I create it by virtue of my choice. The self was the filter which restricted this choice making and seemed to make it follow patterns and meta-patterns.

The more I withdraw and let go, the deeper I go. By this logic, it seems certain that maximal equanimity with super depth would give me the experience of infinity or deep sleep. As I go backwards and see everything as one substance 'knowing', I can see that there is nothing but the movement of knowing (including the self psychic structure(filter/focuser)) which is happening by itself. There is no experience of a separate doer OR the 'doer' and the 'done' are the same. All awareness content is aware of itself, there is no agent. All manifestation in perception is because you will it into existence.

Thoughts about Shiva and Prakriti analogy:
Its like shiva (awareness) and prakriti (dance). There are infinite such combinations(prakriti) available for the self(shiva) to participate in, but the self is free to choose and completely withdraw to nothingness if it desires so. The real 'you' is like the kid in the park(shiva) free to choose any game(infinite games created by prakriti) to play. Another way to describe would be shiva is 'space', prakriti is 'content'. The space is free to choose among its own infinite contents or withdraw from everything and stay as no-thingness. The self is free to choose any level in this spectrum. The self is also free to decide what level of involvement it wants, with what games.

Detachment and true choice:
Attachments (even the subtlest ones) are the prison preventing this freedom. The longing to escape the self is the longing to escape attachment. Attachment and fear are the same thing. Attachment IS a fear in essence. True choice itself can only happen with true detachment (True detachment == fearlessness). Otherwise, if attached, what freedom do you have to choose anything?

Refinement of the analogy:
In fact, even this analogy can be improvised. It is not even an external game(prakriti) that the self(shiva) participates in, with the self being separate from the game. Its more like, the self itself has infinite potentials of modulating patterns within its own substance.

Its like imagine your computer monitor or TV came alive and it show display any picture it wanted (infinite potential for pictures). The same applies to 'experience'. We are the infinite potential space for experience. The potential for modulation is 'prakriti' and space or nature is 'shiva'.
Shiva = nature, Potential = prakriti.

I can take this even further. Space itself is an experience, time itself is an experience. So the only thing I can rightly call it would be 'no-thingness' (the '-' is intentional, indicating it is no thing and beyond everything). Because any 'thing' is only one of its potentials out of an infinite number. It is this vast undefined no-thing in which something appears. So all the contents of experience, is only an appearance (among infinite such appearances).