Qualities of a diamond mapped to experience

The ideal +ve experience is where the mind is like an infinitely large diamond that is clear, does not hold anything but yet, reflects/refracts the infinite contents around it brilliantly. 

Qualities of a diamond mapped to experience qualities:
Interpretation = Refraction
Awareness = Reflection
Time = Movement
Belief = Light
The game of reflection, refraction, movement and light is perceived as meaning by the witness.

When it comes to imagination, the best imagination of reality is like a diamond, the least imagination of reality is like a mirror which simply reflects 'what is'. 
When it comes to awareness, the best awareness is 'Infinite', while the least imagination is 'Unitary object'.

I could also call this: Mind and Contents. 
Mind like a diamond with infinite contents --------------------Mind like a mirror with single content
Infinite awareness+Diamond like imagination+Optimal movement/change.

I could also call it: Interpretation and Raw Materials(Objects). 
Interpretation like a diamond + Infinite Objects --------------------------------------- Interpretation like a mirror + Single Object.

Mirroring of qualities in interactions, equanimity as a transcendent relationship

Qualities <x> tend to be simply mirrored among people in interactions:

Algorithm:
We feel <x>, when witnessing <x>
OR
We feel <x> towards <x>
OR
We react with <x>, towards observed behavior <x>

Negatives:
Anger towards Anger
Hatred towards Hatred
Judgment towards Judgment
Intolerance towards Intolerance
Destruction towards Destruction
Violence towards Violence
Irritation towards Irritation
Anxiety towards Anxiety
Sadness towards Sadness
Frustration towards Frustration
Depression towards Depression
Fear towards Fear
Rejection towards Rejection

panic towards panic
unrest towards unrest
distress towards distress
struggle towards struggle
resistance towards resistance
fighting towards fighting
silence towards silence
indifference towards indifference
neglect towards neglect

Positives:
Love towards Love
Attraction towards Attraction
Admiration towards Admiration
Excitement towards Excitement
Calmness towards Calmness
Happiness towards happiness
Fascination towards Fascination
Jovialness towards Jovialness
Energeticness towards Energeticness
Acceptance towards Acceptance

Equanimity is about transcending this action/reaction paradigm and just a clear seeing of 'What is'.
Its like moving in the 'Z' axis and seeing the whole 'x,y' paradigm and then projecting 'Acceptance' as a mega-relationship to the entire 'action/reaction' paradigm/plane and all its contents.

Equanimity is a transcendent relationship to the action/reaction plane.

Lament about existential condition

How have people managed to collapse their infinite imagination potential
Into this severely constrained and limited space/time framework
Into this culture/society/belief/identity/commitment paradigm

I mean seriously, how can you constrain yourself like this?

It seems like such an insult, disgrace
Like i've been greatly wronged, punished
Like a severe prison I've been put into
Why would I ever decide to enter this realm of severe limitation
With a body which I have to constantly worry about and protect?

I live in constant fear
Of losing what little I have
Which everything around me keeps constantly threatening
And even to keep the little freedom I have
I have to work everyday for other people's wills
And sell my soul away

What kind of a punishment is this?
This is just horrid, appalling, despicable.
What is the purpose of this realm of severe limitation?
It is such an insult to my infinite nature, to define myself as a narrow concept.
I mean how can I sell my soul like this, so cheap?

Is this the price for my attachments?
Such a great price?
Just to live in this first class prison?
Just to live in fear of loss all the time?

How can a sane man live happily?
In this condition?
How can he be so blind?
So as to not see how badly he has been limited?
Can ignorance of imagination really be that great?

Poetic insight - 20 Nov

Trust the flow,
Trust the movement
Its all a dream

You dream you are weak
you dream you are powerful
You dream you are happy
You dream you are sad
You dream things are terrible
You dream things are beautiful

The objects contain no qualities
Apart from the ones you project
The external world is a humble prop
Your humble servant, An inviting stage
A canvas for your dreams
Your dreams of adventure
Dreams of understanding
Dreams of deprivation
Dreams of delight
Dreams of fantasy
Dreams of greatness
Dreams of suffering
Dreams of sorrow
Dreams of limitation

What a strange world this is
what a strange existence this is
how absurd is everything
Why do I exist as me
In this place, time and situation

Witness your power as the dreamer
See that light and shadow is your sweetest game
See the magic in this absurdity
Realize there has never been anything apart
The ultimate reality is you
That mystery is you
The unborn is you
The magic is you

Your intellect and knowledge
Are accumulations of a man walking backwards
He walks backwards into the unknown
But sees and holds on to his passing creations
Believing its him and acting from there
Not realizing he is not his creation
He limits himself in fear of loss
But in reality
He is that very unknown he steps into
At every moment

What you create from accumulation
From prior knowledge and experience
Is already dead and stale
The truth is ever-new, ever-refeshing

Create from the unmanifest
Create from the spontaneous
Create from the unknown
Create from the unexpected
That is where the true ecstasy lies

Reclaim your true identity
Return to the unmanifest
Your unborn nature
The infinite potential

The ultimate understanding

Today, it occurred to me, 'enlightenment' just sounded like a funny sounding word to me. The ultimate understanding is that there is that there is nothing TO understand. Understanding itself is an appearance in the pool of ever changing appearances in consciousness.

An analogy would be similar to thinking a cartoon character in the movie screen is real, but the truth is not only is the character not real, but also, all the content displayed on the screen is made up of the pixels of the screen. The screen pixels refer to the pixels of experience/consciousness/awareness/perception.

STEPS:
- This understanding develops by first viewing everything as consciousness/awareness/appearances/phenomena. 'Absolutely Nothing' can be excluded. This deepening takes inquiry, interest and practice.
- Reduce everything to this one substance and then start your observation from that point of view.
- Next observe the impermanence and change of all phenomena.

- When change is observed carefully, non-essence of anything is revealed.
Rule: If an object makes a 100% change in its nature from state A to state B, this implies the true nature of this object is unknown/mystery. 100% change = implies unknown/mystery nature. So if you observe 100% change in your awareness, the non-essence of all content is revealed.

Irrelevance of external appearances and belief's about other people's enlightenment

There are some states of mind, that make life easy.
There are some states of mind that make life very hard.

Generally the more you rebel against God's will (the effortless undercurrent), the more difficult life becomes. But this rebelling or flow, is an internal experience. How you appear externally is completely irrelevant.

Externally you may appear to resist or comply, but this external appearance says very little about your internal experience. Someone may appear to greatly resist what's going on in society, but its barely a struggle for him, its effortlessly happening. On the other hand, someone may appear to comply with all the demands put on him, but internally he maybe secretly resenting this and bitter towards his compliance.

So 0 resistance, effortlessness is purely an internal experience. There is no way of knowing or proving whether another person is effortless or resisting in this life, or how much he is resisting.

This is why it is impossible to know if another person is enlightened or not, in fact it is totally irrelevant. After all everything is made up of You, Your experience, Your consciousness, Your Awareness.

If you imagine another person is enlightened, then you would try to attain his state of mind (as imagined by you).

Enlightenment is Transcendence, not an attainment of a particular state of mind. It is transcendence from everything.

To give an analogy: Its is not about a fish moving from one region of the water in the ocean to another region. It is about the fish looking at the entirety of water from an entirely different dimension that is 'Air' or 'Land'. The water here is experience, and enlightenment is about transcending experience, not moving from one experience to another. It is seeing that 'No experience is You' and that 'You' are beyond all experience.

It is the removal of identity, identification, from all experience - the nameless formless boundless thing that is left, is the real you.

Why does this realm of existence exist?

If everyone is eventually going to realize the nature of their true self...then its just god playing different masks at different levels of distance away from his true nature... The most far-out adventure is of the person who believes he is something extremely limited... But as long as he believes in that, that is the truth for him and he simply acts from that place...the question would be: What would you do if you are god? And use the full power of your imagination to answer this question...your own imagination ultimately has the answer for why this plane of existence exists....out of all the infinite possibilities why does this possibility exist? Is the contemplation...why experience such limitation in terms of time space body survival social systems etc.?...if you were god, would you ever create something like this?....ultimately everything is made up of spirit/consciousness...So its just a question of knowing your infinite nature and then understanding why this particular realm exists.

Modalities of experience used by the spirit to play

There are 3 modalities of experience props for the spirit:

Sensory, Mind, Belief

Sensory modalities:
Internal: Feel, Image, Talk
External: Touch, Sight, Sound

Meaning superimposing/projecting itself onto sensory modalities:
Sound - What is the meaning projected on music? What is the meaning of language?
Sight - What is the meaning projected on art paintings?
Touch - What is the meaning of exotic textures?

Image - What is the meaning of mental images?
Feel - What is the meaning of emotions, internal feelings? (Energy body)
Talk - What is the meaning of the subvocalized inner voice, or recreating sounds in my head?

Mind modality - Lets define this modality/dimension as the conceptualizer of experience. The mind is also a generator of thoughts - ideas, concepts, imagination.

How much meaning do your ideas, thoughts, imaginations, concepts give you?

Belief modality - What do you recognize yourself to be (what flavor of experience, what qualities)? What are you identified with? What are you moving towards? Why do you like/dislike different things? What stories have you internalized? What is your conditioning and how does it condition your present experience? What do you desire/seek?

How much meaning do you feel from your beliefs, goals, identity, direction of life?

Spirit/Meaning modality - How do you process/interpret all of the other modalities? How do you project meaning on all of the other modalities?

The spirit modality is the final one and it comes down to INPUT INTERPRETATION - Input from all the other modalities i.e. Sensory (internal, external), Mind and Belief.

The spirit is the dreamer, the ultimate subject who does the INPUT/DREAM INTERPRETATION of all of the INPUT/CONTENT (All of the other modalities).

Ultimately all of the other modalities are simply different kinds of props used by the Spirit as props for meaning. That is how a spirit enjoys itself, by creating various props, giving them LIFE ('meaning' projections) and playing with them. Very similar to how a child picks up a bunch of toys and merrily plays with them. 

The external world/conceptual framework etc. is like a shared reality, which serves as a prop, for a bunch of spirits to come down to this plane and experience this.

This earth plane of existence with its laws is very limited, manifestation is much slower compared to the higher dimensions the spirit is used to, many swaths of experience are not available to the spirit at all here, however it is an interesting experience for a spirit to incarnate here as a body, because its a place that allows the spirit to experience LIMITATION.

This experience of LIMITATION then potentates the experience of FREEDOM once the spirit is out of here.

It is like, if you watch a movie about people that are starving, suffering, facing danger and dying, a part of you feels relief that your life is so much safer. Similarly a spirit incarnates here to experience limitation, so that once free, the freedom is all the more wonderful.

Contemplation: Nov 18: The external world is just a prop

The external world is just a prop for your projections, like how props are used in a play.

What makes the experience of the real play happen? Its projection.
We project meaning onto to the external world, and that's what creates riches.

True riches = Meaning, Synthesis of Imagination into a whole.

Meaning is beauty, a gestalt perception, where the whole>>>sum of the parts.

Meaning is like a dream. Different meaning frameworks = different dreams.

About meaning:

- Like imagine the difference between a dead human body and a living human, what is the difference in your perception?

- Imagine a movie playing with just random lights flashing, completely meaningless VS. a movie which is riveting and has you on the edge of your seat in anticipation. What is the difference?

- Even cartoon movies /cartoons can make us project all kinds of emotions on the characters. How is this possible? How do we project life like qualities onto cartoon characters?

- How is idol worship possible? How can we project the greatest of qualities on a stone idol.

- How does a child play with toys?dolls?miniatures? How do we lose this imagination ability in our adulthood?

- If you visit your childhood home and walk around all the streets, how many memories does it bring back? Imagine you invited a friend to walk with you on the same streets, would the place carry even a fraction of the significance you experienced? 

- When you repeat a word again and again for more than 30 times, the meaning of the word is lost right. You just hear it as a strange sound. What is exactly lost here?  

About drugs:

Psychedelics open up this very part, its as if suddenly your projections get as fascinating as they were in your childhood, or even better and they pour onto all your thoughts, memories and other sensory experiences causing a flood of meaning.

Once they wear off, you return to your old meaning framework.

Source of meaning/riches/imagination/beauty/love/creation:
What is interesting is that, all the meaning is projected by you, from the spiritual dimension to the sensory appearances in the world.

So you could say meaning comes from within.
The source of experience/projection/imagination is within.
The external objects and external meanings are ultimately what you projected on them from within, i.e. the source.

The ultimate source of all creation is you, inside you, intrinsic in your very nature.

Contemplative Insight - Nov 15, 2014

About Drugs:
Drugs dramatically change what is. Upto a 100% obliteration of reality can happen.
Drugs are the dream for someone who is radically averse to 'What is' / OR wanting to completely change 'What is'. Higher the power of the drug(level of reality obliteration), the better.
A certain threshold of aversion from 'What is' is required to even consider trying drugs, because drugs radically change 'What is'.

Drugs progressively affect your different bodies:

1. Physical body

2. Energy body

3. Mental body

4. Belief body

We are aversed or attached to 'What is' happening in each of these 4 levels. If you wished a completely new universe at all levels, then smoke DMT, consume high doses of psychedelics (close to 100% change of 'What is'). If you want to only minimally change the physical and energy body then take caffeine, alcohol etc.

About drugs -2:
With drugs, they create a desire to seek/recreate/explore that experience. And this is like a desire like any other - do what it takes to obtain that plane of experience. Then as tolerance builds, one would try harder and harder to get back there. Its like giving you the most wonderful thing and then slowly taking it away far away from you.

Fundamental duality:
Movement for/against 'What is':

In Consciousness, this is the most fundamental duality - For 'What is', 'Against 'What is'.

Everything can be fundamentally put in these 2 categories.

Even emotions can be classified according to movement for or against 'What is':

Movement for 'What is' = All attachment emotions = Joy, love, beauty, wonder, power, satisfaction, union, pleasure, happiness

Movement against 'What is' = All aversion emotions = Desire, Ambition, Greed, Hatred, Pain, Motivation, Drive, Curiosity

It might be surprising that I clubbed even emotions like Desire, Ambition, motivation, drive, curiosity into 'Aversion' emotions. But however, this proves that what we call 'Aversion' is not all bad at all. In fact its an integral part of the machine of life. Aversion, attachment are like forward and backward movements in a salsa dance say, that is how innocuous/harmless they are.

'What is' = Movement of the Impersonal OR God's will.

'Aversion to What is' = Personal Desire = Potential energy for seeking change of 'What is'

'Attachment to What is' = Personal Pleasure = Potential energy for continuity of 'What is'

The above 2 potential energies is what creates 'Personal life'.

The Personal life is a wave that rides over the Impersonal wave.

When the Personal wave merges into the Impersonal wave - it is the effortless ultimate satisfaction, like a deep sleep experience.

However, in this ultimate satisfaction, you will disappear(personal death). Because 'You' by nature are fundamentally a movement against 'What is'. 'Personal You' is 'That'.

Great change implies great desire to change what is i.e. Aversion to what is:

Great change by definition would imply great aversion to 'What is'. So if you are experiencing 'Great aversion' to 'What is', you are also experiencing the potential energy of 'Great change'. It is the same thing. All the people we venerate and celebrate in the world, the great changers, have had a great aversion to 'What is', and this is what gave them energy in their fields.

The Enlightened as an extreme aversion to 'What is':
Only when utterly nothing is satisfying to you anymore, do you seek the transcendent (which is what leads to the death of the personal). We call them the greatest achievers, but they are the ones who had such overwhelming aversion to 'What is', that this potential energy caused them to seek and embrace the transcendental, we call them the 'Enlightened', the ultimate achievement.

Why would you seek spiritual dimensions, if you job and family satisfied you enough? Where is the potential energy to propel that kind of a search? That potential energy is the energy of 'Aversion', movement against 'What is.

Life is by definition, a movement against 'What is': This aversion creates potential energy, or desire to change. When the desire to change is so strong, that you realize that NONE of the systems in the world, culture, social interactions, various social games, relationships, sex etc. cannot give you what you want, that is when you go for the mystical stuff - the stuff that promises to radically change, anything that promises radical change starts interesting you. Be it, meditation, shamanic trances, drugs, self inquiry, truth seeking, psychedelics etc.

Now a person with a attachment of 30% to 'What is' and an aversion of 70% to what is, will be ready to try hard drugs. But a person with attachment 70% and an aversion of 30%, will maybe try only minimal altering drugs, like coffee etc.
Great change i.e. great potential for change, is experienced as, great aversion to 'What is'. Aversion to 'What is' is 'Desire'. Personal life is fundamentally 'desire', and desire is movement against 'What is'. Your life, is basically your movement against 'What is'('God's will).  Ending of personal desire (which is death of personal life), is ceasing all movement against 'What is' is 'Personal Death', is the 'Ultimate satisfaction', is you living and in union with God's will (since your personal will which is like a wave over God's will has ceased, and therefore there is only the effortless reality).
Aversion is the potential for change.
Attachment is the potential for continuity. When gigantic changes have to be done, there is great aversion to 'what is'.
When there is great attachment to something, we do everything to ensure the continuity of that thing.

Pleasure = Attachment = movement for 'What is'
Pain = Hatred = Aversion = movement against/away from 'What is'
Movement 'For' what is, creates

When all movement away from 'What is' ceases - that is ultimate satisfaction. You then die into the ocean of God's will, the union, because your movement of separation from it has ceased.

'You' are the movement against 'What is'. When that is gone, you are gone. The price for ultimate satisfaction is 'You', because, you are fundamentally a movement against 'What is'.

This is what part of meditative sadhana and Yoga aims to accomplish. Their aim is to cease movement away from 'What is' and just BE that. In fact Yoga means exactly that, 'Union'.

Are even emotions like curiosity, exploration desire, inquisitiveness, ambition, drive, motivation, goals etc. essentially aversion(movement away from) to 'what is'?
Is life itself both 1. pleasure/attachment(movement for) and 2. aversion/resistance(movement against/away from) to 'What is'? When I see aversion in this light, it occurs to me, its not negative at all, but simply a charged potential energy for change.

Does it mean the person with the most aversion to 'What is' experiences the most personal life(which is inherently a movement away from 'What is')?
Completely dissolving into 'What is' is personal experience death.
Attachment to 'What is' is pleasure. It is the potential for continuity and continuation.

Now you may say, we are attached to things that give us pain too. But that is just colloquial. Actually that attachment is a pleasure of sorts if you look deeply. Even pain, fear, contraction are seductive.

Attachment emotions would be everything that give energy to the quality of 'continuity'. At the pinnacle of attachment emotions would the most pleasurable experiences - like extreme love, which everyone wants to stay forever (therefore continuity).

The 'desire' (potential energy feeling) to change 'what is' (God's movement) is personal life.
Its like a smaller wave riding on a bigger wave.

In terms of orienting your life:
What you REALLY REALLY feel, your deepest desire like doing is God's will. In fact it could be said the greatest desire of all humans is to be one with God.

All the other stuff you do, for which you do not have that level motivation/desire in you is not God's will, but consumes from a limited reserve of personal will. Ultimately you know, from which place you are acting from, God's will or from your concepts.

Contemplation on what is the Absolute Truth

I'll start with what I mean by truth. 
The Definition (I'm starting with): 'That' which is unchanging.

In my experience:
In consciousness, there is no 'nothing' at all, in fact there is never 'nothing'. There is always a 'something'. But all of this 'something' is changing. Which means all of the 'something', has no essence. All of the 'something' is insubstantial and therefore not really true. In other words, the only absolute truth is "Nothing is true". The very fact that I goto sleep in the night and everything disappears implies none of what disappeared is real. Since everything disappeared, then what follows is that 'Nothing is un-changingly real'.But then, most people in the world believe that some somethings are true and somethings are not. Does it mean, to get enlightened, they have to do self inquiry/contemplation/sadhana to reach this state of <Knowing with absolute certainty that 'Nothing is true'>?That means even to say 'Nothing is true' cannot be absolutely true, if we can get a person to change from experiencing 'Something is true' to 'Nothing is true'. That is like changing from a state A to state B, which means state B cannot be the ultimate truth. The absolute truth has to be unchanging, and must be unchangingly true.

Lets say state A = delusion, state B = real truth.
Then what is the ultimate truth, that encompasses both these states?The confusing part about delusion is that, a delusion is real only until it is known to be, like a dream is real until it lasts. Once you know, that say, something is a delusion, then in a sense, you aren't even deluded anymore. A truly deluded person does not even know he is deluded, such a knowledge would imply he is not deluded.

If reality is a dream, and all dreams are real while they happen, and if each dream is infinite and there are infinite such dreams happening, in infinite such creatures (as imagined in my infinite dream in infinite ways in time), in infinite dimensions (known and unknown, infinite gross to subtle spectrums), THEN there are infinite realities, and we are stepping from one infinite to another infinite and we have never left the infinite as along.

Is enlightenment the theme of the dream of a person whose dream is about attaining absolute freedom from everything and absolute knowledge(experiential) of the nature of existence (not 'his' existence, because it is impersonal)? Could it be said, that the entire human life is a game and is ultimately leading to everyone getting enlightened? And there are people at various levels? Is enlightenment the ultimate desire of all people?

None of the above seem absolutely true. They all are models/thoughts/beliefs again. 

This means the only thing I can say about the absolute truth is that:

Absolute truth is the UNKNOWN, THE MYSTERY. It therefore cannot be known or understood, but only be lived. It is living in the UNKNOWN / MYSTERY. It is, dying to the NOW.

Insights - Nov 11

About desirelessness and egolessness:
Desireless does not mean having no desires. It means detachment/dis-identification from desires. 
Egolessness does not mean not having an ego. It means a detachment/dis-identification from the ego manifestation.
This detachment/dis-identification cannot be forced, but it is the outcome of deep contemplation/inquiry into the nature of existence. 

What is God?
Other words for God would be - Infinite nothing, the unknown, transcendent, the mystery, the ultimate subject, the surprise, the unexpected, and so on. But all these words are inaccurate concepts/descriptions, because I cannot reduce the transcendent to one word or a concept. The transcendent contains all of the contradictions too within it. Like it is both nothing and something at the same time. Its similar to the riddle of: Everything is presence, because there is presence of presence and presence of absence OR the riddle of: Everything is consciousness.

God is EVERYTHING. Everything does not come from nothingness and return to nothingness. That would be inaccurate to say. A more accurate way to state would be, 'The nothingness that's free of time/space appears as a something (inc. time and space) and keeps eternally dancing/changing form. Change is part of its essence itself. The nothing therefore permeates all of the something. Everything is made up of the substance of this 'nothing' or 'God'.'

A mini analogy for this would be: 
Its like a alien who, say, has the ability to shape shift itself to any form and behavior. The alien suddenly appears to you like your mother, father, sister, daughter, brother, friend, companion, lover, a bird, an animal, anything, since the alien can shape shift into anything. In this case, the alien is truly none of the shapes or behavior you saw, the alien has infinite possibility of transforming itself into anything. God is something like that.

Enlightenment as an attained state is the ultimate illusion:
Enlightenment is the ultimate illusion. Everything is a dream, all equally infinite and beautiful. There is no way to absolutely win. Actions change the dream, but the dreams and unique and incomparable anyways. Its like a river where you never step in the same river twice, the journey from the unexpected to the unexpected, surprise to the surprise. All of experience is unrepeatable and therefore an ecstasy. Everything is absurd. We are stepping from the absurd to the absurd, strangeness to strangeness. I am too happy and involved in what's there NOW and the surprises held at every moment, to care about the future. When there is no fear, the future is irrelevant. We think about the future because of fear or because of hope for a better moment than the present. What if this is best possible moment u can have and what if every moment is that way? Why would you ever care about the future instead of losing yourself NOW? Life is the mystical experience. This is exactly what anyone ever wants in the broad picture. This is perfection, and nothing has ever left the perfect. 

Insights - Nov 10

About desire:

Desireless does not mean having no desires. It means detachment to desires.  

Attachment to desires, is the actual cause of suffering.

Desires are also an appearance and therefore not true. 

Everything I say is a lie (not absolutely true):

When I know everything I say is a lie, it makes me feel so weak. I cannot say anything true. Once you see impermanence, this too shall pass, everything gets fearful and shaky. Where can you stand, when you know everything is appearing/disappearing. I cannot grasp on to any appearance. Anything I say, or act, I feel like a phony, a pretender, a fake, a falsity, a mask. It makes me really queasy. Pretending well enough to be a genuine fake is a torture.

I'm afraid of anything I notice, because if I notice something, it is going to pass away. So my attention is hiding out in fear.
Knowledge of impermanence = can create depression, until the other beliefs are removed. 

Dis-identification vs changing/suppressing/altering anything:

Dis-identification from the ego is what is needed. The ego still remains but you are no longer identified with it. Your identification is with awareness itself. The ego then is an appearance within awareness.

Riding the IRON OX of nothingness:

More than 'Do god's will' it is more accurate to say 'BE god's will'.

 
I am simply an instrument that manifests God's will. In fact, the existence of me itself is God's will.
By god here, I am referring to the infinite nothing, from which everything is projected as appearances and from which all appearances are pulled back in. What is the nature of this infinite/transcendent nothing? - It is the unknown, the unexpected, the absolutely unimaginable, beyond any possible manifestation. 

It is impossible for the intellect to understand God, because the intellect itself is the 'infinite nothing's' creation. How can a creation understand its creator? Its similar to, say, you creating a computer, and programming a software into it such that it uses all possible algorithms to think about its creator. Now the computer is limited to what you programmed it with right, those are its only resources. It cannot come up with anything apart from the complexity of the algorithms you put into it. But would any of its calculations, describe anything about you? Aren't you forever unknowable to the computer? That's how the dilemma is when we are using the mind to understand the transcendent. The transcendent is un-understandable.
 

Tracing the source of perceptions back to its source, the infinite nothing (God), is what is meant by manifesting God's will. In the sense, the main difference between your normal egoic manifestation and god's manifestation is that ego manifests from a limited conception and is limited to whatever conception is there (like how a computer is limited by the program you put into it), God's will manifests from the infinite.

If nothing is true, and everything is an appearance, then EVERYTHING can be taken away from you. There is absolutely nothing you can stand on. When this is seen in its entirety, then the place you are looking from is the nothingness, infinite nothing. From that point of view, you have true freedom. True gratitude (or true fear if there is some belief, identification) is felt when you take absolutely nothing for granted. 

Greater the dis-identification = greater the freedom. Everything is given by God, and can be as easily taken away from you too. The infinite void or nothing, that is where, you pull out all the unlimited riches. As the christians say 'The kingdom of heaven' is within. The light is projected from the infinite nothing, creating you, creating your world (I mean literally creates your world, because your world is nothing but an experience, just like how the entire world can be created in your dream just using psychic stuff). 

Who projects this light? - The infinite nothing. You are a dream of the infinite nothing. All your thoughts, powers, will, actions, words, behaviors, relationships, perceptions, beliefs, EVERYTHING, are from the infinite nothing. All that there is to do, is to relax with 'What is' and gradually completely be in union with 'What is'. 

 

About Seratonin

Seratonin is like getting back to safety. 
Its like being inside your home on a stormy cold night.
When you don't have much of it, its like standing outside in the open on a dark stormy cold night.
It vastly buffers all the stressors of life. 
Another analogy would be seratonin is like a car engine oil. All the engine movements are smooth when there is oil, life is smooth.But once the oil runs out/or is chronically low, the gears and mechanisms start grating on each other and wearing each other out mutually.
Seratonin is what protects you from life's stresses.
Seratonin is also will power, or the unifying energy of consciousness.
Without seratonin, in freud's language, the ID imposes its demands hard on the ego and the ego is greatly stressed. Its like having a very weak parent and a angry child making crazy demands and stressing the parent vs. a strong parent who can easily communicate with the child and have a nice relationship.
Not having enough seratonin is like not having skin on your body. Imagine how much all the elements of nature will affect you if you did not have skin. You get overwhelmed and retreat very soon and struggle to survive and fulfill expectations. 

Insights - Nov 9 trip

I'm searching and seeking something/self, that is unfindable which explains why I never find it, and try harder and harder in more novel ways to find it. When I have run out of all options, ways, models, concepts, ideologies etc. are unsatisfactory, I give up and get depressed. The depression that I feel now, is directly proportional to how many things I had hoped in and how many things failed on me, which is everything. So there is a deep discontent and longing.

But what if it is basically unfindable? which explains why the struggle is infinite?

My world and mapping of emotions are all about satisfying expectations. I don't know who I am apart from  borrowed expectations from parents/culture etc. So not meeting/satisfying/denying expectations is death, because there is nothing else to rely on. I really don't know what I am apart from those mosaic of influences which I hold on to, as Deepak, and fear stepping out of it, with the fear of death. But I also know that there is something phony about it, which makes me get very aggressive about finding the truth and reading EVERY POSSIBLE material on it.

Emptiness, Emptiness when the other person has no expectations or is also similarly disconnected from meaning, I get the fear of death.

How can I cure this fundamental disconnection? Because I am disconnected, I do not have the energy source from inside me for most things. I work on software mode in the world just fulfilling expectations and taking and watching temporary selves and desires pass by. Its like the fundamental doubt and disconnection has somehow lingered, and total identification with the parent has not happened in my case, resulting in continuous awareness of non-genuineness and pretense and, acting/pretending from there, as a make shift arrangement out of a fear of losing the rewards given by the pretense. Isn't everyone pretending anyway? is another lingering doubt. Which is why there is a lingering doubt about the authenticity of others too, and there is a constant resentment that you need to fulfill their expectations. At the same time the expectations are magnetic, I cannot leave them, because that would mean death, I know nothing else apart from them. The expectations take my time and energy away from what I truly want to do, i.e. find my true self. 

I constantly resent them for they unnecessarily take time away from finding my self. But now, I see there is no self apart from expectations, in the way I have built it. The entire facade is a make shift arrangement I have built like clothes over my true self. I accumulated all the possible spiritual knowledge in my quest to find my true self, but more and more I realize that no object, accumulation can be it. It is just 'Not anything'. The pain is of seeing that no matter what scriptures, intellectual models, belief systems and explorations I do, the depression is of not finding the true self in anything. Well, that is because, there is no true self, and I can see it now.

Now, I see the ultimate truth was just at my doorstep, the truth that I am the unmanifest or beyond.

All my desires collapsed into this one quest for the truth, I lost every possible material and intellectual desire or at least they got greatly diffused. I channeled all of my energy into finding this truth. Everything else appeared pointless and a pretense. I just could not stand pretending anymore. So I was dropping all my worldly interests like flies.

The final seeking launches a more intense rebellion, rejecting everything - society, relationships, expectations and tries to minimize them as much as possible to find this unfindable self. I almost entirely withdrew all of its projections from the world to search for this invisible thing. There is an in-between despair and depression of knowing all of the false and not seeing the true at all anywhere. A Limbo. A great sadness. I call it the Dark night.

But why not flip it around and feel the joy of being nothing, no thing, not limited to anything, just the unspeakable fabric of reality, which is everything in this moment and all that have ever been, its all me. I am everything and BEYOND. I am the Unmanifest, the infinite potential, that moves/changes everything (thru infinite movies and characters). 

All my desires are not mine. They are just picked up from my parents and society. My true nature does not contain anything. These internalized desires from culture, my parents, and socialization are held on to, by me, as self, but in reality, its just my ignorance. I am thinking they are me, when in reality I am NONE OF THAT. I also hold on to them out of guilt and obligation, belief that I need to identify myself with something and fear of not doing so I guess. This has just been passing on from generation to generation in my family and now its my riddle to solve. I am the transcendent itself and all manifestation is in my awareness and from that space everything comes and goes.

The subtler dimension - the intellect - its doubts and beliefs, drive the emotions profoundly in the grosser realities (physical), So when a belief, puzzle, riddle, question is answered or solved, an entire investment, seeking drops away. Its a great release, a huge freedom.

Now I have understood. Its all now, all the energies in motion. I have to feel this NOW space of energy entirely and optimize it for a wonderful life as per the desire energies found there. All that has to be done, is relax into the NOW, BE it, and let the movie PERFECT ITSELF in the revelation.

I met some beautiful people in my path - Natalie, Ninad, Roshan. Beautiful in the sense, they are all surprisingly close to god(ultimate reality). All of them have a deeper than usual doubt taking them far deeper than usual. Externally, superficially, they are extremely different, but in terms of closeness to the ultimate, abstractly, they are just around the corner with me. Ninad ruthlessly challenged all my concepts, Natalie helped me grow emotionally, Roshan helped me by being a companion and challenging some of my fears. I am grateful for all that they have given me.

Broad insights:
Desires are insubstantial, empty, non essence. They are all appearances. There is only movement. Nothing static. So there is really no goal to reach, nothing to attain. Life is like music. Life is the unexpected/the most unlikely thing. I am constantly dissatisfied that life does not follow my imagination, but that is the very nature of it and its probably the best thing.

Living on the razor's edge of the unexpected NOW is true life. The razor's edge is complete receptivity in emptiness and being that effortless energy movement because it is in tune with the universal, personal effort disappears.

The neurotransmitters are feelings. The feeling of satiety, satisfaction, not feeling like moving, contentment, peace, relaxation, non-desire to change anything, no thoughts, still, present = SERATONIN. Its possible to put attention on one particular sensation and let that enlarge based on the power of concentration. All power is 'concentration', concentration/attention is what channels manifestation.

All feelings exist in different proportions like a dance. This is in the sensations dimension. There is also the mental dimension which is a different kind of subtle feelings of meaning and potentials. Ultimately there is just 'Experience'.

The best way to check how much in tune you are with 'What is' is to see how much movement you have away from 'What is'. More the movement away from it = More the suffering.

I am trying to find the best possible imaginable life, using the powers of intellect, understanding. But this can never hold true because the movement of life is always to the UNEXPECTED. the EXPECTED is DEAD. In fact my thinking, my understandings, my insights etc. are itself done by life. The insights are life's children, not the other way. The ultimate reality is forever unknowable and Beyond, it can only be lived moment to moment and I AM THAT.
The desire to shift reality 100% out of what it is, IS the suffering. That is a total dislike for 'What is'. Why should I desire to change 100% of what is? Why not change the relationship to 'What is' to equanimity instead? OR Just BEING?. The idea is 'Stay with life' as it is, as 'What is' and anchor there as an ultimate guide. Just BE 'That' and let the 'That' do you.

There is the thinking process(Yang) and the breaks on thinking(Yin). There is awakeness and breaks on awakeness. Its just an endless dance. See what is, and optimize the dance perfectly. That is what I truly seek....not any specific state, its all NOW. Any movement away from NOW is living in the illusion that there is something to find apart from 'What is there NOW'.

If you work just for others Expectations, as the goal, then after the goal is done, you are left with emptiness again. That is the condition of being disconnected from the source energy and its potentials manifested(desires). Whereas if you are connected to the source, you keep setting goals and moving endlessly without being dependent on any EXTERNAL AUTHORITY.

You are in contact with all the energies at this moment. You are whole. 

What we are seeking is where we are seeking from - the infinite.

THIS IS IT, just an unfolding of energy NOW, if you do it right, is the best place to be.

Feeling of 'I do not like what's there'

The feeling 'I do not like what is there' is so persistent in all the appearances. I keep dreaming of finding that experience/thing that would atleast temporarily give me the feeling of 'Yess! this is exactly what I want'. Then once I get that, I would try to seek it permanently. 

But I can see the traps here.  Life keeps conveying it to me again and again, that reality and what I imagine are forever different. Imagination is part of an ever changing reality. Reality is moving from uniqueness to uniqueness. If it were to exactly follow my imagination, that would actually be boring.

Life in essence is the unexpected. 
The expected is dead. 
Change is life. 
Non-repetition is life. 

It seems like it is possible to truly live only when we truly die. Just like at a smaller level, only when we have seen the depths of sadness can we apprehend the depths of joy. 

Child with a Toy Steering Wheel Analogy of Life

I seem to frequently encounter a situation where there is enormous resistance, unwillingness, aversion, repulsion, disgust but yet a force keeps pushing me hard towards that very object. Its as if my struggling against movement towards the object makes no difference. Like a wind pushing me irrespective of my struggle against it.

Like a child trying hard with his toy steering wheel to not go to a place, but the adult nevertheless steers the car there. Then the child is very fearful, that he might never leave this uncomfortable place, then mysteriously the adult drives away and relieves the child of this horrible experience only for it to repeat again after sometime.

Is it something to do with control? Do we really have no control? If that is the case, then how is the illusion of control so pervasive everywhere? Do people not see the absence of control OR Are they completely deceived in some way? How did I skip getting deceived like that? Am the the only one seeing this form of reality?

Its like the game between dark matter and gravity. One expands and one contracts, yet they exist in a play and sometimes one is stronger, sometimes the other is.

Sometimes, there is an attractive object that I pass by, like a child with his toy steering wheel in a real car passes by. The adult keeps going and does not stop, so the sight becomes a fleeting pleasure and also causes high desire but its unfulfilled when the adult drives away and it therefore causes pain.

Sometimes there is a repulsive object that the child spots but the adult continues to drive straight, so that again becomes a fleeting negative experience for the child. At times, the car goes to a repulsive object (for the child) and stops the car close to it. This causes the child to get depressed because the toy steering wheel is seen to be useless and he cannot get out of there no matter how hard he tries. At other times, the car stops in front of an attractive object, so there is constant pleasure in the child's experience. Now again when the adult takes off, the joy fades away and there is sadness/pain of loss. At times, the adult gives the child the illusion of control, he steers the car perfectly contingent to the child's toy wheel movements which convinces the child that he is driving the car.

In this analogy, the WIND force or the Adult here is God, the Universal, brahman, ultimate reality.

The child is the self/ego/identity which believes he/she is controlling destiny or that his/her desires are really real/concrete/unchanging/solid/substantial/having essence. But the reality of it is that, the adult can very easily change the whole relationship and completely dispel this illusion.

Even if I do not have control even ONCE or a SINGLE MOMENT in my life, it proves to me that control is only an APPEARANCE. Because if it was not an appearance, firstly, you would possess control all the time and non-control is impossible. Absolute truth cannot FAIL even once. Even 1 failure indicates, your model is wrong and you need to re-examine. Secondly, by the law of duality, Control even exists in experience because at sometime in your life, you have had the experience of non-control.

So technically if I extrapolate, all of perception has to be an APPEARANCE, because I can only perceive something if I experienced its opposite which means, the 'Thing/Object' I perceived has to be an insubstantial/Unreal Appearance.

The only real will, is the DIVINE will, we having willpower/control is an illusion/one of the possibilities of the divine will itself. There is no Doer in the conventional sense. The only Doer is the Divine itself (which cannot even be made or spoken of as an object).

Insight - Oct 18, 2014

Everything is changing and the in-substantiality of everything is what makes it akin to a dream, just like a dream at night is. I seemed to have transcended emotions and thinking, and I can realize that I am trying to hold on to life in my mind by thinking, verbalizing, but its all dead in a way. The alive is the moving/changing dimension. I'm recording the words, but the music has already left. Only bare words are left thereafter. Me holding on to the dead, is why I am getting depressed from deadness. I am controlling myself in pursuit of some ideal image I have been building up in my mental space. But no mental image is me, I am simply restricting myself to my mental image and believing that is the true me. 

Even emotions cannot be captured by words. Induction of emotions is possible but it involves a movement away from whats happening effortlessly. Even your ability to induce emotions may or may not be there at different times. And even if I do try to induce emotions and if I'm not particularly like the emotions that are capturing me at the moment, even that can be transcended and seen through. Everything is me, the effortless dream happens on transcending all contents and the resultant understanding from that. Even my efforts and reasons for capturing everything in words is seen through. The 'seeing' takes a quantum leap and reaches all-encompassing levels. 

Why should I try to attain anything, if I am what's here and if I am also my attainments? I am all my potentials. The current reality is as good as a potential as any other. There is no reason to attain any other state, because all states are me. I have never left myself anywhere. I am always myself like how I am always dreaming in a lucid dream no matter whats happening in the dream or who I am in the dream. I do not have to be anything else to find myself. I am already here. Everything might be as it is, or might not, I might life with the same pattern, conditioning, with all processes untouched, but with a peace that passes my understanding. There is really nothing to say, to get this across directly. I can come up with something like 'I am THAT all encompassing reality'. 

The world is a dream inside me. There is also an appearance of a shared world with the appearance of other characters similar to me. There is infinity in my relationships to these people and my relationship to the direct physical world itself. Also my own imagination. I am not in the world, the world is inside me. This is the part where it gets beyond conventional logic. 

If the world is inside me, even its rules are part of my dream. I'm playing a character of defiance and rebellion against the world presented. But I am that rebellion too. I am the world and its rules too. I am all of the people in the world. No matter what I choose, or become in this world, I will still be me, I would never have left myself. Why should I be afraid of my own potentials and stay in a depression because of that? 

I am able to see how a fear is quickly holding me in, as my imagination tries to open up any possibility. I can see how my attachments are holding me back from exploring any different dimensions and possibilities. I can see how my need for control, security is clamping on me and preventing me from even feeling much. But no matter what, from the transcendent seeing dimension, all is ME, all is perfect, all is UNION, I am all of THAT. This UNION is beyond even choosing to choose.  Choice happens inside of ME. I am not 'choice'. Everything happens inside of me. 

Its exactly like a lucid dream, but in a lucid dream, I realize I am 'my waking identity'. But in this lucid life I could call it, your identity is simply transcendent/beyond everything/everything is only one of your potentials among infinite. I could say 'The born and Infinite unborn potential' OR just say 'Beyond'.