About Meaning/Intimacy/Transcendence

Each day in my exploration of meaning, I'm seeing clearer and clearer that EVERY single life situation is meaningful.
Every life situation is like a particular dream of the 'Infinite' OR I could say, its like looking at the 'divine potential/creation/jewel' from different points of view (Like how each time you visit a place, you see different parts of it OR different aspects of the same thing OR different interpretations of the same thing and so forth).

What we call existence, awareness, life is not a noun but a verb. Its the movement between one point of view to another and so on. An endless unfolding of meaning. The relativity of everything makes each point of view dependent on all the others and vice versa, creating total interconnectedness. In this total interconnectedness, you are always looking at the whole, only from different points of view. (The complete picture whether you are seeing 30% ying and 70% yang or vice versa, still always adds up to 100% or the infinite.)

I always dreamed of total intimacy/union and so my in that endeavor I tried to get closer and closer to my partner.

So my initial state was: psychological distance and longing was for intimacy.

But now when I am very intimate, I miss psychological distance, mystery, fascination, awe, wonder, excitement, anticipation, curiosity, sexual charge and exploration. Of course there are the flip aspects too of having psychological distance. This comes with insecurity, anxiety, fears (fears of rejection are stronger, fear of being misunderstood, fear of abandonment), insecurity, uneasiness, pressure (to try to impress, prove worth etc.), trust is lower, psychological armor is higher, superficiality is higher, understanding is lower and so forth.

So now my state is: high intimacy and longing is for psychological distance.

In intimacy, you have more trust, more understanding, more relaxation, more ease, more comfort, less stress, more security, less pressure, less psychological armor, more depth in convos etc. But the flip side is, less of (mystery, fascination, awe, wonder, excitement, anticipation, curiosity, sexual charge and exploration).

But even this picture is kind of simplistic. Because when I long for intimacy another part of me also wants psychological distance. Also vice versa, when I long for psychological distance, I also don't want to reduce intimacy. So like Gurdjieff said, these are 2 contradictory aspects of myself. When one gets satisfied, the other starts to pull in the other direction and vice versa. So I kind of see this push and pull effect as a characteristic of existence itself which is constantly moving in ecstasy between dualities.

Another aspect would be, even in intimacy there are levels which can once again trigger all of the desired qualities (mystery, fascination, awe, wonder, excitement, anticipation, curiosity, sexual charge and exploration). Like say if we are at level 5 then level 6,7,8 would trigger emotions of wonder. Similar to how people in the monetary game start of making say 40k a year and aim for 60k. When they reach 60k they aim for 80k and so forth. However as they gain more and more money, another part of them feels encumbered by their possessions and wants to be free of the accumulation. So this is another example of 2 contradictory forces in the same man.

The 2 really crazy contradictions that exist in me are:
Desire for complete psychological distance/freedom/wonder and desire for absolute/total intimacy/union/peace.

So the real truth I experience is that, there is nowhere to reach, neither absolute psychological distance (total unknown) nor absolute intimacy (total known). Total known = No mystery, but full safety. Total unknown = Full mystery, but great fear. So we oscillate between these 2 and the satisfaction happens through understanding. Also transcendence happens through understanding/observation. Total happiness, is total understanding of the abstract mechanics of creation itself and it is not in the attainment of any particular state/point of view.