Saturday, November 27, 2010
In my case I noticed:
1. A large part of my self is defined on how others view me. I might form my self view based on the weighted average of people's views about me. I might assign much greater weights to people I care about like family, certain friends, people whom I dated etc.
2. I get frequently lost in philosophical thoughts and totally lose touch with all the activities that a person in my context would typically do. It is some form of dissociation which keeps coming back.
3. I have a ton of other preoccupations related to very diverse interests that can suck me into a state of flow pretty easily. Even in this case I lose all awareness of the expectations I am to meet.
Like I had 11 days holidays here. I'm sure most of the students here would have done a decent amount of studying, homework or something related to bettering their chance of survival. In my case, I just got lost in my preoccupations and interests and lost all awareness of all these practical concerns.
Sometimes I feel this is some form of rebellion inside me. I am resisting all these conventions and I want to be free.
Then I question myself,
1. Why do I want a good job? - to get good money, to buy luxuries, to lead a comfortable life, to make a difference
2. Why do I want money, luxuries, security, making a difference - Because I think they can give me satisfaction and happiness
3. You would not have enough time to enjoy the money, how does it still do it? - Because society would accept, approve, admire or maybe even adore me for it. So yea by repeated questioning I once again hit upon the 4A's.
I also hit upon these 4A's when I look at my other activities. Like why do I flirt(besides the physicality part)?Why am I looking for romantic interests?Why am I looking for close friends?
Some of the questions to ponder about:
Why do I want society to accept, approve etc?Is it really so important?Is it conditioning?Upbringing?Why is society such a major force controlling our actions?Is this really the optimal way?What is the real truth behind it?Why do we seek these?
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