If I look at my life history impartially, there have been
people who really enjoyed and liked my personality and there have been people
who have been indifferent or abusive. But somehow I have a tendency to view
myself as a person who is not liked much or accepted by people in general. Why
do I identify with this image more? Does it truly reflect the actual reality?
Why do I tend to choose to be alone rather than with people? Why do I choose
hobbies that greatly lower the need for interaction with others? Afraid of
rejection, abusive people, exploiters, predators, indifference, judgments –
anything that dis-empowers my perception of myself? Am I attached to an image of grandiosity about myself? And
only like people who continually validate that? Which is why self-absorbed
people don’t interest me since they are all about themselves and nothing is
coming out?
How are my values created? Out of all the experiences in my
life what is the magnet of my personality that creates my perception and
memory? Are the core qualities of the magnet formed in childhood or are they a
function of previous lives too OR does it have no boundaries and simply an ever
evolving manifestation of god? By definition, I am a person (Incomplete) and
moving towards completeness and all-inclusivity. The interesting part is that
even though my environment is completely different, I am still trying to work
on my past projects with the hope that I would find some future situation where
they would perfectly come in handy.
Why do I perceive the way I do? Why do I see the world the
way I do? Why am I ‘ME’ and not someone else? Why am I even asking these
questions at the moment? To think about them in future?
Why do I have such a deep need to be understood? Why am I
not sure of my own truth and I am so badly seeking validation from other people
for that? I think the reason for validation is to gain social power. But what
power can stand in front of truth? Isn’t this illusory power? Am I looking for
some ground to stand on and thinking the best way is to get people to fortify my
beautiful thoughts so that beauty continues in my perception?
Among all my perceptions, why are only some registered as
me? Isn’t ALL PERCEPTION = me? There is this imaginary giant filter through
which I pass all perceptions and whatever passes through gets stored into
memory too. My motivation is coming from this memory castle which attempts to
advance in certain ideas, pointers, and directions in the infinite reality
space. These motivations change with environment, but certain core aspects seem
to be persistent giving the clear feeling of permanence or an essential self.
What is this essence?
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