Insights - Nov 9 trip

I'm searching and seeking something/self, that is unfindable which explains why I never find it, and try harder and harder in more novel ways to find it. When I have run out of all options, ways, models, concepts, ideologies etc. are unsatisfactory, I give up and get depressed. The depression that I feel now, is directly proportional to how many things I had hoped in and how many things failed on me, which is everything. So there is a deep discontent and longing.

But what if it is basically unfindable? which explains why the struggle is infinite?

My world and mapping of emotions are all about satisfying expectations. I don't know who I am apart from  borrowed expectations from parents/culture etc. So not meeting/satisfying/denying expectations is death, because there is nothing else to rely on. I really don't know what I am apart from those mosaic of influences which I hold on to, as Deepak, and fear stepping out of it, with the fear of death. But I also know that there is something phony about it, which makes me get very aggressive about finding the truth and reading EVERY POSSIBLE material on it.

Emptiness, Emptiness when the other person has no expectations or is also similarly disconnected from meaning, I get the fear of death.

How can I cure this fundamental disconnection? Because I am disconnected, I do not have the energy source from inside me for most things. I work on software mode in the world just fulfilling expectations and taking and watching temporary selves and desires pass by. Its like the fundamental doubt and disconnection has somehow lingered, and total identification with the parent has not happened in my case, resulting in continuous awareness of non-genuineness and pretense and, acting/pretending from there, as a make shift arrangement out of a fear of losing the rewards given by the pretense. Isn't everyone pretending anyway? is another lingering doubt. Which is why there is a lingering doubt about the authenticity of others too, and there is a constant resentment that you need to fulfill their expectations. At the same time the expectations are magnetic, I cannot leave them, because that would mean death, I know nothing else apart from them. The expectations take my time and energy away from what I truly want to do, i.e. find my true self. 

I constantly resent them for they unnecessarily take time away from finding my self. But now, I see there is no self apart from expectations, in the way I have built it. The entire facade is a make shift arrangement I have built like clothes over my true self. I accumulated all the possible spiritual knowledge in my quest to find my true self, but more and more I realize that no object, accumulation can be it. It is just 'Not anything'. The pain is of seeing that no matter what scriptures, intellectual models, belief systems and explorations I do, the depression is of not finding the true self in anything. Well, that is because, there is no true self, and I can see it now.

Now, I see the ultimate truth was just at my doorstep, the truth that I am the unmanifest or beyond.

All my desires collapsed into this one quest for the truth, I lost every possible material and intellectual desire or at least they got greatly diffused. I channeled all of my energy into finding this truth. Everything else appeared pointless and a pretense. I just could not stand pretending anymore. So I was dropping all my worldly interests like flies.

The final seeking launches a more intense rebellion, rejecting everything - society, relationships, expectations and tries to minimize them as much as possible to find this unfindable self. I almost entirely withdrew all of its projections from the world to search for this invisible thing. There is an in-between despair and depression of knowing all of the false and not seeing the true at all anywhere. A Limbo. A great sadness. I call it the Dark night.

But why not flip it around and feel the joy of being nothing, no thing, not limited to anything, just the unspeakable fabric of reality, which is everything in this moment and all that have ever been, its all me. I am everything and BEYOND. I am the Unmanifest, the infinite potential, that moves/changes everything (thru infinite movies and characters). 

All my desires are not mine. They are just picked up from my parents and society. My true nature does not contain anything. These internalized desires from culture, my parents, and socialization are held on to, by me, as self, but in reality, its just my ignorance. I am thinking they are me, when in reality I am NONE OF THAT. I also hold on to them out of guilt and obligation, belief that I need to identify myself with something and fear of not doing so I guess. This has just been passing on from generation to generation in my family and now its my riddle to solve. I am the transcendent itself and all manifestation is in my awareness and from that space everything comes and goes.

The subtler dimension - the intellect - its doubts and beliefs, drive the emotions profoundly in the grosser realities (physical), So when a belief, puzzle, riddle, question is answered or solved, an entire investment, seeking drops away. Its a great release, a huge freedom.

Now I have understood. Its all now, all the energies in motion. I have to feel this NOW space of energy entirely and optimize it for a wonderful life as per the desire energies found there. All that has to be done, is relax into the NOW, BE it, and let the movie PERFECT ITSELF in the revelation.

I met some beautiful people in my path - Natalie, Ninad, Roshan. Beautiful in the sense, they are all surprisingly close to god(ultimate reality). All of them have a deeper than usual doubt taking them far deeper than usual. Externally, superficially, they are extremely different, but in terms of closeness to the ultimate, abstractly, they are just around the corner with me. Ninad ruthlessly challenged all my concepts, Natalie helped me grow emotionally, Roshan helped me by being a companion and challenging some of my fears. I am grateful for all that they have given me.

Broad insights:
Desires are insubstantial, empty, non essence. They are all appearances. There is only movement. Nothing static. So there is really no goal to reach, nothing to attain. Life is like music. Life is the unexpected/the most unlikely thing. I am constantly dissatisfied that life does not follow my imagination, but that is the very nature of it and its probably the best thing.

Living on the razor's edge of the unexpected NOW is true life. The razor's edge is complete receptivity in emptiness and being that effortless energy movement because it is in tune with the universal, personal effort disappears.

The neurotransmitters are feelings. The feeling of satiety, satisfaction, not feeling like moving, contentment, peace, relaxation, non-desire to change anything, no thoughts, still, present = SERATONIN. Its possible to put attention on one particular sensation and let that enlarge based on the power of concentration. All power is 'concentration', concentration/attention is what channels manifestation.

All feelings exist in different proportions like a dance. This is in the sensations dimension. There is also the mental dimension which is a different kind of subtle feelings of meaning and potentials. Ultimately there is just 'Experience'.

The best way to check how much in tune you are with 'What is' is to see how much movement you have away from 'What is'. More the movement away from it = More the suffering.

I am trying to find the best possible imaginable life, using the powers of intellect, understanding. But this can never hold true because the movement of life is always to the UNEXPECTED. the EXPECTED is DEAD. In fact my thinking, my understandings, my insights etc. are itself done by life. The insights are life's children, not the other way. The ultimate reality is forever unknowable and Beyond, it can only be lived moment to moment and I AM THAT.
The desire to shift reality 100% out of what it is, IS the suffering. That is a total dislike for 'What is'. Why should I desire to change 100% of what is? Why not change the relationship to 'What is' to equanimity instead? OR Just BEING?. The idea is 'Stay with life' as it is, as 'What is' and anchor there as an ultimate guide. Just BE 'That' and let the 'That' do you.

There is the thinking process(Yang) and the breaks on thinking(Yin). There is awakeness and breaks on awakeness. Its just an endless dance. See what is, and optimize the dance perfectly. That is what I truly seek....not any specific state, its all NOW. Any movement away from NOW is living in the illusion that there is something to find apart from 'What is there NOW'.

If you work just for others Expectations, as the goal, then after the goal is done, you are left with emptiness again. That is the condition of being disconnected from the source energy and its potentials manifested(desires). Whereas if you are connected to the source, you keep setting goals and moving endlessly without being dependent on any EXTERNAL AUTHORITY.

You are in contact with all the energies at this moment. You are whole. 

What we are seeking is where we are seeking from - the infinite.

THIS IS IT, just an unfolding of energy NOW, if you do it right, is the best place to be.